Category Archives: Writing

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Book Notes#3 – On Being a Bachelor: Thoughts on Dating, Mating and Relating

Blane Bachelor, her book and me...

Hello World!

I hope you are wrapping up your summer in a fabulous way! I am – hence my lack of posts over the last week or so…I’ve been traveling…but my writing schedule will be back to normal in September…

However, I have found the time to write a book review on one of my fave – if not my fave – topics: relationships…A writer friend of mine Blane Bachelor recently held a book release party to celebrate the release of her first book On Being a Bachelor: Thoughts on Dating, Mating and Relating. (With a name last name like Bachelor, she was destined to write on the topic of relationships!) I went to the party and bought a book…After reading the book, I decided that I should review it right here…Disclaimer: Unlike the other books I have reviewed on this blog, this book is in no way religious or spiritual; however, everybody can relate to the topic of dating, mating and relating…

Okay, just a little background on Blane…Her book was inspired by and based on “Ask a Bachelor, “ her advice column for the Sunday Paper published right here in the A…The column was originally named “On Being a Bachelor” and included thoughts about her dating adventures in the A, but serendipitously, shortly after committing to write about her lack of a commitment, she found herself in a committed relationship…And so the column was reworked into an advice column…Wonder of wonders…

And now that I have introduced you to Blane, let’s get into her book…First of all, let me give a sampling of some of the chapter titles: Sex in the City, Becoming Carrie Bradshaw, The Hickey Dilemma, Skeletons and Dates in the Closet, The Slow Burn…hmmm, sounds interesting,  huh?

I think what I like most about the book is that it highlights dating in the A….As a dyed-in-the-wool single woman in the A, I know about dating in my fair city…but I am always interested in other perspectives and experiences…

From the chapter The Dangers of Dating a Metrosexual –

“About a week later, as we wove through the sea of blankets at Screen on the Green, I prayed we wouldn’t run into any of my friends, who would never let me forget that my date was wearing gray flat-front dress pants, a tight baby-blue T-shirt and a wide Nike wristband. On his elbow.

Raise your hands if you have gone out with a metrosexual (metrosexual: young straight stylish urban man: a young, straight, sensitive urban man who is unashamed to enjoy good clothes, stylish living, the art of decorating, and improving his personal appearance. This definition is from MSN Encarta.)! It’s a bit unnerving to date a metrosexual…I guess because I am not always on point when it comes to my own presentation…I forever pick at my fingernails and so my hands tend to look jacked up more than I would like to admit…I probably wear clothes much longer than I should because I’m frugal and don’t like spending money on them if I can help it…I know, it sounds so anti-girly, huh? I remember one fashionable guy I dated just blurted out once, “I think you are trying to be unsexy!”  He even brought a clothing catalog on one our dates to help me pick out some clothes that would look good on me…wow, huh? But back to Blane’s book…

Toward the middle of the book, Blane delves into her relationship with then boyfriend, now fiance’, C. I particularly like the chapter The Slow Burn…In this chapter, she describes her willingness to let their relationship develop although she was feeling less than fireworks at the beginning of their relationship…

“This gray was a departure of sorts for me. For a long time, I had always fancied myself a romantic, claiming I would never settle for anything less than all-out, can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you passion. And if those fireworks weren’t flying from the start like of a Fourth of July extravaganza, I simply wasn’t interested…So I still can’t explain why I didn’t close the lid early on whatever was bubbling between C. and me. Perhaps it was the simple fact that I felt the admittedly pathetic need to be validated after getting kicked to the curb. “

By the close of the chapter, she noticed that her relationship with C. finally heated up which explains the title of the chapter, obviously. Sooo, are you the type that has to be head-over-heals at the start of a relationship or are you content to let things simmer a while before getting hot? I have always favored head-over-heels attraction but I must admit this has not been the best practice for me…It has caused me to date some guys that were clearly unsuitable because they gave me the jollies…On the other hand, should one go out with a man if there isn’t any spark at all? What do you think?

Blane also delves into another phenomenon I’ve noticed in  dating/mating/relating – the inevitable weight gain of a happy couple….From the chapter Seriously Weighty Relationship Issues…

“A few months into being coupled up, I go from foxy to fatty. I am certainly not alone. Just looking at many of the people I know who are in relationships, I can see fuller faces, pudgier waistlines, more rotund rumps.”

Blane is speaking the truth! I first noticed this peculiarity in college…There was this resident advisor on my hall that gained a lot of weight as she was dating this guy who also lived in our dorm…I don’t know is she was cooking for him in our rustic dorm kitchens or if they were feeding each other at restaurants all over Athens, but this girl put on a considerable amount of weight…And then shortly after I stopped seeing him go into her dorm room at all hours of the day and night, she became her former stick-thin self…I pray that doesn’t happen to me…I have to maintain my sexy as my friend U. likes to say!

For more fun tidbits from Blane book’s, you need to buy it and read it for herself? So do you have any juicy tales from dating in the A that would make a great book or at least a great comment on my blog? Let me know…

Any thoughts?

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Book Notes#2 – The Ring Formula: How to Meet, Date & Marry Mr. Right

Hello World,

Can you believe that 2010 is half over…where did the time go?

Anywho, about a year ago, I started a Facebook conversation with one of my FB friends Dr. Alduan Tartt, an Atlanta-based psychologist,  about how he could counsel people about being in romantic relationships although he was single. That is one of my pet peeves…People who advise other people on situations while they have no practical experience of the situations in question…However, Dr. Tartt was very gracious in fielding my questions and even e-mailed me a free copy of his book, The Ring Formula: How to Meet, Date & Marry Mr. RIGHT (The title has been revised since the first printing of the book) so that I could review his book for my blog…Being the procrastinator that I am, I am reviewing his book a year later…But since he has a seminar this upcoming weekend, I thought it would be nice  to FINALLY review his book , and hopefully some of you will want to go to his seminar…Plus, according to his FB status, he is now in a relationship…

So on to my review….Well ladies, Dr. Tartt starts of his book stating that scores of single women have unwittingly taken themselves out of the marriage market because they simply don’t know how to make themselves marriage material — and to top it off, WHEN they do seek advice, they do so from other single women…Food for thought…so far, so good…I can cosign on that…

What I like about the book early on is that Dr. Tartt apologizes for some of his less-than-perfect behavior in his own dating life…

“I am writing this book to make amends for my past transgressions and to offer my beautifully talented sisters an attitude-altering lesson and insight into the male psyche.”

Now, I won’t give away his entire book here, but I will include some juicy tidbits…So what is the first component of Dr. Tartt’s formula? “Learn How to Cook: Nurture Your Man’s Soul.”…I must admit there is something that rises inside of me when I think about that…There is a feminist part of me that says, “Why do I have to know how to cook to catch a husband?” But when I think about my mother and her food…well let’s just say that I make sure I stop at her table every Sunday for a good home-cooked meal, and my father is always praising my mother for her cooking! So maybe he is on to something…Dr. Tartt also offers an example of two women who vied for the attention of one man…one was beautiful with a “mean shoe game” and great conversation and other woman was a great cook…guess who won out?

 “When a woman learns to cook, not just open a can and heat or microwave, she learns how to love and thus becomes a very powerful woman who is able to control even the strongest of men.”

Another part of Dr. Tartt’s formula is “Stay in Your Lane: Respect Your Man’s Position.”  This chapter is all about men and women staying in their traditional gender roles…i.e. men are designed to lead and women are designed to assist them….My father, who is a pastor, is always preaching that men and women will be happier if they are in the roles that God had in mind when He created us…I must admit though something within me bucks at this too…but Dr. Tartt did a good job of softening the blow….Below is a paragraph about a woman in the chapter that learned the hard way that even her father made occasional bad decisions about money, but her mother supported him anyway. This woman had just scared a man away by not being supportive of him and went to her mother to get some insight.

“Her mom told her about how she stood beside and supported her husband when he made a bad financial move in the real estate market despite his father-in-law’s warning. In fact, they had to downgrade and reside in a rental property on the wrong side of town to make ends meet. She was furious, but she saw standing beside and supporting her husband as her duty. She realized that her commitment was to her husband, not to material things.”

Dr. Tartt also believes that women should withhold sex if they want to get a man to marry them…He describes this belief in his chapter, “Check Under the Hood: Friends Before Lovers.” Interesting concept in today’s world…

“So what are you supposed to do when your man outright demands sex and independence? This is where YOUR self-discipline takes over. Simply refuse to compromise your morals, and opt to develop friendship, support and loyalty instead. Although men certainly will throw some form of temper tantrums after being turned down for sex, ultimately they respect you and work hard to earn your companionship.”

Hmmm…what do y’all think?

And what do y’all think about this chapter, “Soul Train or Soul Mate: Date to MARRY.” In this chapter, Dr. Tartt describes nice men who are content to be in relationships with nice women indefinitely…without being married! He describes Erika who was in a satisfying relationship with a good man who did not want to get married…After one too many Christmases had gone by without a ring, she decides to dump him and not settle for less than what she wants: marriage…Amen sista!

In summary, men don’t like to lose three things: love, power and respect. When Erika left Marshall, he ended up losing all three, which was more than he could bear. Ultimately, he lost her love, her daily attention and the power to have his cake and eat it too. Ironically, he is now fighting to reacquire that love, attention and respect. I’ll have to admit that Erika’s chances for love look pretty good now. In fact, she has another suitor who is madly in love with her, and she is enjoying every moment of it. Look who is having her cake and eating it too now!

There are more components to his formula, but you have to check out the actual book for yourself! So what do you think about Dr. Tartt’s book? Is he on to something? Or do we already know this information?…

Any thoughts?

P.S. Just cuz I feel like that today, I have posted this timeless Etta James classic. Enjoy!

 

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So is the black church keeping black women single and lonely?

Hello World!!!

Happy Hump Day! Now that I have offered that nicety, let me get into the not-so-nice business at hand of the day…

I have been trying to ignore this topic for weeks (Black women and our dating and mating woes seem to be the topic du jour of 2010, huh?) , but Facebook friends and other friends have e-mailed this article to me one time too many, and now, I feel compelled to respond…

Dating expert, Deborrah Cooper, through her Web Site, Surviving Dating, has written an article that has the blogosphere buzzing…

The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely…

Tadow…she’s really trying to hit us in the kisser huh?! If you criticize the black church, you may just be taking on an army of Christian soldiers anyone would be hard pressed to beat…

But she does make some interesting points…I won’t rehash it all here but below are a  few excerpts from her controversial article…

An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion”by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”

The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”

Single Black women trying to live a sanctified lifestyle won’t be caught dead in the places where men are likely to be found. These church women refuse to go to parties, sports bars or sporting events, or clubs where there is drinking, card playing, domino throwing, s*$t talking and cussing – you know, the things that most men who enjoy life like to do. Instead these single Black women sit at home alone, or get together with their friends and read the Bible, then pray that God will bring them a husband.

Some women will argue that there are lots of “nice” single men in church and that I am being harsh. Okay, I’ve been to dozens of churches around the country and looked hard at those guys. Without a doubt I can tell you flatly that the vast majority (I’m saying 98%) of them fit into one of four categories:

  1. A loser working a 12-step program. These guys are in church looking for structure and something to believe in besides themselves, because they are weak and confused. They need help getting their lives back on track and are seeking solace and comfort in church. If they can hook up with a woman looking desperately for a church-going man of any ilk, they’ve got it made.
  2. Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying. Some gay men are wrestling with severe guilt and confusion about their desires, which they hope to pray away. Others are openly gay and attend church seeking acceptance from a community which turns its nose up at homosexuality; they are also seeking forgiveness for their sins. Whatever may be this guy’s issue, he is emotionally and psychologically unavailable.
  3. Opportunistic players on the prowl. Every player I know goes to a couple of different churches… some of them go quite regularly. They have easy pickings amongst the hundreds of horny, lonely single women that will cook and give them free meals and satisfy his sexual urges (though these players have no intention of marrying and committing to anyone). Since sex amongst unmarried singles is a sin, it is easy for him to gain the assurance of the women that they keep things secret and not speak of their “transgression” lest they feel the wrath of the Pastor. This secrecy makes it easy for him to hide the fact that he is bed hopping with four or five single ladies, right under their respective noses.
  4. Elderly reformed players. These guys have played themselves so hard and so long, they’re worn out. Their old butts finally realized that the end may be near and playtime is over. Worried about dying alone, they bring their behinds back to church to find a “good Christian woman” for marriage. Essentially they are looking for a free nursemaid and bed warmer… someone to provide comfort and take care of their old broken down a$$@s before they die.

In spite of these facts, Black women go to church week after week, hearing over and over again the message that they should be seeking “a God-fearing man.” Sistahs in church are instructed by their Pastor that there should be no room in their lives for a man without faith in The Lord.

But with so few Black men attending church, and those that are in church being largely unsuitable as marital partners, what is it that single Black women are looking for in church?

Why do Black women run to church in droves and willingly put themselves in the position to be dictated to, harshly judged and instructed like a child on how to live their lives by some man that is not their father and to whom they are not married?

Cooper also includes a YouTube video from a pastor that she believes is contributing to this issue…

Hmmm….I get what this pastor says, but I cannot agree with his premise of being hidden…The very notion of hiding suggests that one does not want to be found…This pastor seems to be saying that unless you are at church or at home or doing something obviously religious, you are setting up yourself for failure in the dating game…

But on the other hand, I don’t think a woman should chase men either…I think there is a happy medium that can be achieved…What is wrong with dating Web sites like eHarmony or going out with your girlfriends to dance at a club? God has been known to work in mysterious ways and you may meet that man through the Internet or on Friday night instead of a Sunday morning…

But I submit this whole notion of being hidden is a fallacy being promoted throughout the church in general – not the white church, not the black church, not the Asian church, not the Hispanic church, etc…

In the book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” Dr. Henry Cloud, a white Christian psychologist, describes a similar scenario in which a woman, Lillie,  was waiting on God to bring her a man. When he asked her how it was going, Lillie confessed to him she had not been on a date in TWO years.  He felt compelled to help her at that point…

“Her lack of dates had to be a combination of her sitting back and waiting for the man of her dreams to come and find her and some personal dynamics interfering with her desire to be married. I could think of no other reason someone who actually wanted to have a man in her life would be that stuck.”

Within several months of counseling, the woman in Dr. Cloud’s book was in a significant relationship and eventually, some months later, she got married….And Lillie met her Christian husband through a dating website.

Below is another excerpt from Dr. Cloud’s book.

“Many people have been taught to view dating similarly to the way Lillie did: ‘God will bring the person to you. Just wait.’ And they think this approach is spiritual. But in reality, it negates the dual track of the Bible that teaches God will guide the way, but we have to actively walk in that way and fight the battles.”

Now on to Cooper’s belief that if one does meet a black man in church, he falls into one of the categories above…

Again, it’s not just black women that seem to be frustrated with men in church, white  Christian author and actress Susan E. Isaacs, describes her hilarious dating life in her book,  “Angry Conversations With God: A Snarky But Authentic Spiritual Memoir.”

“I also spent time with loads of Christian men who were funny, emotionally present, and not threatened by my intelligence. Men like Mark who were gay or trying not to be. The rest of the single men at my church were perpetually on the healing conference tour. And who has time to date when you’re at the healing conferences, getting healed? (Or taking notes about getting healed?)”

Hilarious huh? Yes, a good man is hard to find in church —and sometimes the church promotes ideologies that keep men of all races outstide of the church….

— but the real truth of the matter is a good man is hard to find anywhere…just ask your girl that is not a Christian…

Any thoughts?