Posted on Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Seven Oh So Necessary Things You Must Be Prepared To Give Up if You Turn Away From the Lord…

For My Wannabe Black Atheists Who Haven't Thought This Through...

Hello World,

So last week I was reading one of my favorite blogs VSB (Very Smart Brothas) which is by no means a Christian blog or a religious blog or a spiritual blog so if you know me here, don’t go over there expecting to be taken to church…It’s not gonna happen, but these very smart brothas are always good for a chortle or three and a fresh if not irreverent, well-written perspective on pop culture…so I appreciate them…So imagine my chagrin when I did come across this religious blog post “Six Foolproof And Effective Things To Do To Bring Atheists Back To The Lord” by Natalie Degraffinried last week…Judging by the title alone you could probably think that this blog post would be weaponry we could add to our arsenal because all my Christian soldiers are forever trying to bring back atheists to the Lord (because we are on the battlefield for my Lord), but knowing the very smart brothas as I do, I knew the content that followed this title would be anything but foolproof and effective things you can do to bring atheists back to the Lord…It seems that Miss Degraffinried recently revealed to her black mama (by the way Miss Degraffinried is also black) that she is an unbeliever and her black mama has pretty much gone ballistic…Because we all know that most black mamas (unless you a millennial) are believers…Here is one tactic her black mama tried…

“…my mother watched more Christian programming than I had ever seen in the days to follow. And not just the Black pastors, either—she watched the little wrinkled old White men who emulated the Black preachers, too, spreading the word of the lord to little southern middle-aged White ladies. In fact, she would very deliberately change the channel to it when I would come into the room, glare at me, and then sit and watch.”

Aside from what her black mama did, Miss Degraffinried goes on to illuminate the six MOST effective foolproof and effective things you can try to bring atheists back the Lord: Say “You’ll Turn To God When You’re Down On Your Luck,” Ask “What Made You Stop Believing In God?”, Ask Them A Bunch of Probing Questions, And Ignore Their Answers, Praise God…All the Time, Say the Same Things Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again.

Actually, I like her list because it gives me some insight about what not to do obviously… and thankfully, as far as I know, I have never done these things…But don’t get it twisted…I haven’t tried any of these things not because I am enlightened…It’s probably the opposite…When I am come across an atheist – well really, black atheists in this country, I’m pretty much dumbfounded…everybody knows that the Lord is how we got over so when I meet a black person who must know that AND has a black mama, I really don’t say much of anything…In fact, I may just walk away mid-sentence and conclude he or she must be from the North because here in the South even the most backslidden believer with Hennessy in one hand and weed between his fingers on the other will call on the Lord when necessary…which brings me to the point of today’s blog post…I’m a much better writer than I’m a speaker so after thinking about Miss Degraffinried’s blog post for a few days, I’ve come up “Seven Oh So Necessary Things You Must Be Prepared To Give Up if You Turn Away From the Lord” blog post because a looong comment on VSB just wouldn’t do…So Miss Degraffinried, this blog post is dedicated to you and all my people who are thinking of becoming atheists…

If you are thinking of becoming an atheist, you must be prepared to give up:

1. Martin Luther THE Kang...Everybody knows that Dr. King, the father of the Civil Rights Movement, was down with G.O.D.(yeah, you know me…I know…I’m corny…Forgive me, I’m not a millennial) If you become an atheist, you relinquish your right to revere this man (as much as you can a man anyway without being sacrilegious…oh wait…never mind…) because he trusted in the Lord as his King and Jesus Christ was his Savior and both of them as well as the Holy Spirit guided him on how to get our civil rights…And you pretty much have to give up coming to the A too because we are all about the Kang in these parts…We are so Kang, we are building a monument to MLK on top of Stone Mountain (because he’s been to the mountain top) to make up for the fact that Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis are etched on the side of it…

2. Your affiliation with your HBCU…While we are on Black History, many HBCUs were founded by people who believed in the Lord…Bethune-Cookman University, Clark Atlanta University, Dillard University, Meharry Medical College, Paine College, Rust College, Morehouse College, Xavier University…I could keep going…If you’ve got a degree from any of these institutions, you better get on your knees and thank the Lord because He opened the doors for these schools to be founded…

3. Pastor Shirley Caesar, Yolanda Adams, Cece Winans…In other words, you must give up gospel music…That may not seem like a big deal now…but when you are going through, you will be forced to either Bow Down to Beyoncé, Roll With Rihanna or worse- Elevate With Enya…You know as well as I do when you are going through, none of these ladies can lift you up like the aforementioned gospel greats…Read my blog post “Breaking Down the Holy Spirit/Why Beyoncé Did Ledisi A Favor…” and you will see what I mean…

4. The word “blessing” or “bless” or “blessed” etc.…Blessing means “God’s favor and protection.” So no more hashtags #blessed…And if you like Big Sean’s song “Blessed” and the remix, you’ve got to give up both of those songs too…I would guess that Big Sean aine in church ere Sunday but I would bet he believes in God and his black mama is working on getting him back to church ere Sunday…Kinda like when Marion Winans was rocking with Diddy back in the day…I’m sure the Winans were having prayer vigils trying to get him to leave the world alone and fully commit to Christ…And what are you gonna say when something good happens to you? Us believers say it was a blessing…Something about the double “s” makes you feel happy…What do unbelievers say? And you can’t even curse someone out without them knowing it anymore…That is what “bless your heart” means by the way….

5. Grace…And while we’re on the subject of blessing, you cannot bless or say grace over your food because you don’t believe in that… Miss Degraffinried says she told her black mama that God doesn’t fit in her life while they “waited at the window of an Arby’s drive-thru” where she ordered “beef n cheddar sandwich, curly fries, and jamocha shake.” I’m assuming she didn’t pray over that because she’s and atheist an all, but if it’s anywhere you need to say grace, it’s at a drive-thru…There and over your old auntie’s potato salad that used be so good you wanted to do cartwheels after the first bite but now since she gotten old, she doesn’t know how to season anymore but no one has the heart to tell her that she should probably stop cooking…

6. Getting married in a church…If you become an atheist, you have to give up getting married in a church…If you don’t believe in the sanctity of the church building, why bother honoring the sanctity of marriage there?…of course, you can always get married on the beach, a backyard, etc…And I will concede that getting married in a church is not necessarily any more holy than getting married anywhere else since God is everywhere…(if you believe) But here is the flip side, not only should you not have your wedding there but you can’t have your funeral there either…And nothing is more depressing than having a funeral at a community center or any other nondescript place that will host an atheist funeral…I know you’re probably saying why I should care, I will be dead, but think about those that have to go to your funeral…Are you really going to subject your family and friends to sitting in uncomfortable folding chairs while ignoring the fact that they smell old gym shoes mixed with Pine-Sol. And on top of that, they are forced to listen to Enya because of course, you can’t have hymns at your funeral…

7.Christmas cards…Atheists cannot send Christmas cards…”Christ” is smack dab in Christmas so why would you want to? So go ahead and start stockpiling your Merry X-mas cards which are pretty much stupid…What is X-mas? Everybody knows that X is supposed to be either a substitute for “Christ” or you just don’t know to spell…You would do better to get some Santa Claus cards…But then again, if you believe in Santa Claus over Jesus then I really can’t help you at that point…You are beyond saving…Just kidding…

So there you have it…before you black atheists turn your back on the Lord, you many want to reconsider…Christians of other races, please feel free to modify for your own culture….

Any thoughts?

Posted on Thursday, September 3, 2015

Does Technical Virginity Exist? : ‘Born Again Virgin’ Season 1 Episode 6 Recap…

Hello World,

Disclaimer: This episode of “Born Again Virgin” was a wee bit more risqué than previous episodes so if you are shy about sexual topics, please stop reading now.

This episode was aptly and euphemistically titled “Secret Garden” so that should give a huge hint as to the direction of this post. In this episode, Jenna’s followers have asked her if you can have oral sex and still be a virgin. First, she discusses the issue with her roommates Tara and Kelly. Tara believes that oral sex is simply foreplay, but then she jokingly accuses Jenna of trying to find a “loophole in the virginity clause.” As Jenna realizes she is unsettled on the matter, she decides to seek out an expert opinion and meets with a woman who calls herself “The Headmaster” as she teaches a class on oral sex. And this is where things get interesting if you love the ’90s like I do! Remember the white lady on “In Living Color,” the hilarious sketch comedy show that introduced us to comedic geniuses like Jim Carrey and Jamie Foxx? Her name is Kelly Coffield Park (trivia sidebar: She was in my high school English’s teacher’s wedding according to him! Hi Mr. Stephens 🙂 ), and she portrays the

Kelly Coffield Park

“The Headmaster” in this episode. Obviously, their conversation, which Jenna is videotaping for her blog, goes over the top very fast! For example, the Headmaster says that “oral sex is today’s good night kiss” and takes out sex toys during their very public conversation in a restaurant. Well, alrighty then…

Kelly is having an existential sex crisis of her own when her mother mistakenly texts her sexy i.e. naked pictures of herself. When Tara sees the pics, she notices two things: that Kelly will age well as her as her body is concerned and that someone else must have taken the pics because she sees Kelly’s mother’s hands. So not only is the naked thing irritating to Kelly, the fact that her mom has finally moved on after her father’s death is also troubling. So Kelly decides to visit Historic Grant Park where her mother lives to see what is going on up close and “in living color” so to speak.

Tara, who thinks she is the hottest roommate of the three, is insulted when after bringing her latest dude Bruce home, she realizes that he has already dated Jenna when they were in college. He refers to her as “Jenna & Juice,” and they laugh it up. By the way they interact, it is obvious that what went down is that they obviously got down when they were in college.

So after Jenna meets with the Headmaster, she decides to ask random strangers in a restaurant about their views on oral sex. They agree to discuss their views on camera, and their answers runs the gamut. She realizes that for some, there are different degrees of virginity similarly to different degrees of vegetarianism. For some vegetarians, eggs, for example, are okay but for others vegetarians, they are not. Jenna realizes that oral sex is not something she wants on her menu and decides to adhere to a more traditional view of virginity. What is your take?

When Kelly arrives at her mother’s house, she meets Rob i.e. her mom’s sexting partner and new live-in and much younger boyfriend! Kelly questions her mother about her boyfriend and being faithful to her deceased father (whom she was married to for 30 years) to which her mother replies, “If you want me to kiss your father, I would have to dig him up. And he wasn’t that good of a kisser when he was alive.” She also explains that after Kelly’s father died, she joined the church and got a hobby among other options she tried to keep her occupied, but none of the options kept her “warm at night.” Just uhhh…Who wants to hear all that from your mama?! When her mother leaves the room, she has some real talk with Rob, asking him if he a gold digger or truly interested in her mother. He tells her that wonders of wonders, he is actually interested in Kelly’s mother and that she will have to get used to it. Kelly’s mother also tells her that she is partly to blame for her new relationship as Kelly’s main form of communication with her is via text as she is busy pursuing her pr career and isn’t really there for her. Kelly realizes that she should spend more time with her mother even if now she has to share her with Rob.

After Jenna’s uncomfortable reunion with Bruce, Tara has some real talk of her own with Bruce about what actually happened with Jenna. She tells Bruce that she doesn’t understand how he can like sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie, and that black people only say they like pumpkin pie to appease their white friends. (It is true that black people, for the most part, eat sweet potato pie while white people seem to favor pumpkin pie. Why is that?) He is obviously confused until she explains that she is sweet potato pie and Jenna is pumpkin pie. He says that he actually likes both. But his answer does not satisfy Tara’s ego, and she decides she just cannot see a man who has seen her roommate naked.

At the end of the episode, Jenna, Kelly & Tara dish on oral sex, Kelly’s mama’s delicious new bae (before anyone else…So I learned what bae means in this episode!) and sweet potato pie versus pumpkin pie in the kitchen. Jenna’s mom, whom we find out is white (so maybe she really is pumpkin pie), discovers Jenna’s blog and is mortified. I’m predicting some mother-daughter interaction with them in future episodes. Kelly realizes that her and her mother have the same taste and had she met Rob first, she would have sampled him too. Ewwww….Tara creates a poster board which she posts pics of her previous boyfriends and Jenna’s previous boyfriends to find out if their paths have ever crossed before the Bruce revelation so that they can prevent future relationship reunions and break the bonds of Eskimo sisterhood.

Any thoughts?

Posted on Friday, July 24, 2015

SWV’s Coko Talks About Her New Radio Show, Girl Group & How She & Her Hubby Maintain Their Weight Loss

Hello World,

I love my life now, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the ’90s was one of the best times of my life. I graduated from high school, went away to college and got my first real job with benefits and erethang as a young adult in the ’90s. One of my favorite things about the ’90s was the R&B music that was the soundtrack of my life at that time…particularly, the girl groups that sang about everything I was going through…Groups like En Vogue, Xscape, Brownstone, Total, Zhané, Kut Klose, Jade and my absolute FAVORITE SWV…When I was in college, one of my girl friends, who has since passed away, and I used to bump the “Weak” remix all through the A in her pink and white Geo Tracker jeep especially during Freaknik! And you know we had to have the top down to flex, be cute in some Daisy Dukes and bump that bass, babee…

Below is that version of the SWV jam “Weak,” if you haven’t been blessed to hear it…

When I was really into a dude, this song was sho on repeat…

So when I heard that Cheryl “Coko” Clemons of SWV had a new radio show “The Coko and Cory Radio Show,” I knew now was my opportunity to interview a member of one of the greatest girl groups of all times!!! Check our interview below…

1. Why did you decide to do the “The Coko and Cory Radio Show” which debuted on June 6?

It was presented to me actually. Something that Cory [SWV’s manager] had worked on for some years. We were supposed to do it like two years ago, but we became so busy. Then obviously, we kind of fell out a little bit, but then we made up and everything, and the offer was still there. So we went and did a test run first, and they loved it! From there, it just became permanent so now we’re on every Saturday, and it’s catching on. Everybody really likes it. The owner of the radio station he loves it. We’re on from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. We were on from 4-6, but we were moved up! We’re on 38 stations. You can find us on musicalsoulfood.com or Rejoice 100.9.

2. There are a lot of artists out there that have radio shows like Donnie McClurkin, Yolanda Adams, etc. What do you hope to bring to the table that other people aren’t bringing to the table right now?

We’re on a gospel station, but we’re more inspirational. We don’t just play gospel music on our show. If you have an inspirational message, we’ll play it. It’s not just gospel artists, it can be R&B artists. We try to say things that maybe the church folks are afraid to say. We call it an edgy show. That’s the difference between their shows and our show, we’re more edgy. We say things that they are not going to say. We say what you’re thinking. We’re not just sweet with it all of the time. Sometimes, I’m scared. I don’t know what Cory is going to say, but I’m like okay, bring it back in. Sometimes you go out there. If we go too far, they will let us know, but we haven’t gone too far yet, and people seem to love it. We talk about things that are going on in the church that people may not talk about. Like the pastor taking too many offerings. Sometimes, we do a question of the day like, ‘What about your church do you think you can improve?’ Like Cory said, ‘I went to a church, and it was just boring. The pastor put me to sleep.’ They not going to say that. It’s all in fun and love.

We’re looking to syndicate our show too. We’re working on that next so I hope that falls into place for us in the next few months. A lot of people are talking about the show so I’m excited about it.

And I understand that you also have interviews on the show?

Yes. This Saturday, we have Kelly Price & Keith Sweat. In past interviews, we’ve spoken to Shanice and Flex, Kindred the Family Soul. We have so many relationships so when I reach out, they are always like, “Yes.”

3. Is your reality show “SWV Reunited” coming back for Season 3?

I don’t think so. It’s reality TV so we had a good time if it doesn’t come back. (Laughter) We had a good time.

I did want to add that what you guys saw on the show, SWV, we really love each other. And we don’t fight nearly as much as they showed on TV. We barely fight. A lot of fans kind of got upset with us when they saw all of the fussing and the fighting. That’s not who we are. We actually love each other. We hold each other down, and our bond is really strong.

4. Speaking of SWV, are you on tour right now?

No, we’re not on tour, but we perform about 100 shows a year. We stay on the road, but it’s not a tour. We do like spot dates so every weekend we’re working. We’re going to Pennsylvania. We have two shows there. Not this weekend. We finally have a weekend off. So next weekend, that’s where we’ll be.

I know you grew up in a Christian household with your mother gospel artist Clyde “Lady Tibba” Gamble. How do you feel, I know at one point, you didn’t want to perform certain songs. What is your approach to performing with SWV now?

We perform all of our songs now. We do everything, and the fans like it because we haven’t done it in so many years. And that’s one thing the show doesn’t show. We do “Downtown.” “Can We.” We perform them all. The fans want to hear it so I give it to them.

5. Speaking of your mother. I’m a pastor’s daughter, and you know when I went away to college, that was my first time being out of the house just kind of doing my own thing. And obviously, you had a much bigger experience than that. How did you reconcile how you grew up with becoming a big star and I’m sure being introduced to a lot of different environments? How did you handle that?

I’m a pretty strong person so no one could convince me to do anything that I don’t want to do. And that’s actually for my whole group. We never drank. We never did any drugs. That’s not who we were as people. And I don’t remember even anybody trying to offer us to do that, you know what I mean. So we were blessed that no one even would ever approach us like that, and even if they did, I would have been like, “No,” because that’s just not who I am because I didn’t grow up around that. I don’t know that, and I don’t want to know that. I was pretty strong, and my mom was always there. She wasn’t always on the road, but we stayed in contact when I was on the road. My mother stayed praying for me so I was covered.

How did your mother feel about your music at the time, and how does she feel about it now?

Then and now, she didn’t like it. She never listened to it. She doesn’t listen to R& B music. And that’s fine because I know how my mom is. But she supported me in her own way, but as far as the music, no, she doesn’t like it.

At some point, you decided to rededicate your life to Christ. Is that what happened when you decided to do gospel music?

No, I don’t say rededicate because I never left. I just wanted to do some gospel music because that was my foundation, my roots, who I was. And I always wanted to do a gospel record so when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. I did two gospel records. I was always in church. When I would come home, I’m in church so it’s not like I left. A lot of my R&B friends. They sing R&B. but they still went to church. They still prayed. You know what I’m saying?

6. I know your husband, Mike “Big Mike” Clemons, was the drummer for SWV back in the day and is now the drummer for Grammy Award- winning Christian artist Israel Houghton and New Breed. How did y’all reconnect, and did you ever have any idea that back then that y’all would be married today?

Back in the day, no. We didn’t even like each other back in the day. We couldn’t stand one another. He was arrogant, and he thought I was mean. So we just clashed. But we reconnected at church. We were at a live recording at Love Fellowship International, Hezekiah Walker’s church. Kirby Brown, one of his ministers, he was recording. And he was there, and we just started talking and exchanged numbers. And it went on from there. We went on a date a couple of weeks later, and we just stayed together. We dated six months, and then we got married. Everybody thinks we were messing around back in the day, but we weren’t.

What’s your secret for staying married and keeping it together this long?

It just seems like all of a sudden, here we are 12 years later because everything has gone so fast. Communication is key. We try to talk about everything. We definitely don’t go to bed mad at each other. We had to learn that. And trust. You’ve got to trust them. You definitely have to trust them.

I know your husband lost 100 pounds and that you’ve had a tummy tuck. How do y’all maintain your weight? What are you doing?

Well, I don’t work out as much as he does because he can go two or three times a day, and that’s just not me. Because my hair is not going to hold up for that. For me, I try to watch what I eat. I’m on a strict diet. It drives me crazy because I want some fried chicken, some ice cream and cake, but I can’t have it. I do no carbs. I do fruit and meat and vegetables and water all day long. And that’s boring.

And I’ve heard you don’t like to cook either?

I hate cooking, but my husband and I, we, balance each other out because I hate to cook, and he is a great cook! And I mean, he can cook anything and make it up on his own, and it tastes great! And everyone that comes to our house for Thanksgiving, they look forward to him cooking. And it’s healthy cooking. And he fools people because if you tell them what they are eating, then they are going to be like, “Uh, this tastes nasty,” but if you don’t tell them, and they are eating it, then they are like, “This is good. Wow!”

7. I heard that you had a Twitter conflict with K. Michelle? I won’t get into the drama, but I mentioned it because I wanted to find out what artists do you like that are out there now.

Let’s be clear, I didn’t have a conflict. She had a problem. I did not.

But I love Jazmine Sullivan. I love Ledisi. I love Avery Sunshine. And I’m really digging this new artist Tink. She’s one of the new artists I really enjoy. She’s cute. I love Chris Brown. He can do no wrong in my eyes. Miguel. He’s another one that I’m crazy about.

Any girl groups that you like?

What girl groups are out? I wish there were more, but there aren’t so I created my own that I’m gonna put out soon. So I’m excited about that. The name of the group is TTYL. The Talented Young Ladies. There are three of them so everybody is going to compare them so SWV, but when I put them together, I wasn’t really thinking about SWV. But now I can kind of see what everybody thinks that they are like SWV. But they are not like SWV to me. They are from New York. We all went to church together, but now everybody lives in North Carolina. They are getting ready to go to college. They are like 17 and 18. They sing R&B music. We don’t have a date for them to come out, but they have some songs put up on Sound Cloud. They remade Xscape’s “Understanding” and they just killed it.