Category Archives: Generational Curse

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Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…Let’s Talk About You and Me…

True or false?

True or false?

Hello World!!!

After a blog writing hiatus (I needed it), I am back baby! So to get this party started right, I thought I would write about a subject sure to get a few comments…That’s right, I’m talking about sex…I’ve been hesitant to discuss this topic because of its very personal nature, and trust I won’t be revealing much about myself here…but inevitably, I knew I had to bring it up…so here goes…

If you’ve attended church for at least a month, you are pleasantly surprised to know that you can contact the God who rules this universe by simply praying. It’s a definite perk of being a Christian. And if you’ve been introduced to a few scriptures particularly those in Psalm, you know that God promises to take care of those who take the time to honor Him and seek His guidance – undeniably a benefit of being a Christian. And if you are at the right church, you discover that you can meet some really good people who can be “God with skin on” when you really need to hear from God through human voices…There are countless benefits to being a Christian!

But there a few edicts that come with being a Christian that frankly aren’t that appealing…one of those is premarital sex…Apparently, if you are married, you have a license to “get ur freak on,” but if you are single, you must “flee fornication. ” (I Corinthians 6:18 if you are interested…) I started hearing about all of the many verses in the Bible that discourage premarital sex when I was a teenager…At that point, it’s all good…You are still a little scared of boys anyway…Well, let me speak for me…As a teenager, I was not ready for sex…I knew I had all sorts of strange feelings when I looked at boys I considered fine, but the idea of having sex with them was certainly farther than I wanted to go…

Where these Biblical principles get tricky is when you are fully grown and you know what to do about it…Y’all know what I mean, right? It just ain’t cute anymore when you hit 30 years old, but it clearly states in God’s word, if you love Him, you will keep his commandments…(John 14:15)…So what are single Christian women and men of a certain age supposed to do when we are no longer “never scared” when it comes to sex…Being the bibliophile that I am, you know I’ve read numerous books about the topic…the most recent book I’ve read is “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity” by Lauren F. Winner. She makes a lot of good points about why it’s wise to wait…

I may bring up some points from her book as I write this post, but let me bring up a few reasons I think that premarital sex may not be the way to go with or without the Bible verses…By most studies, women and men are getting married later in life as time progresses…Chances are most people have dated quite a few people by the time they finally do get married…so the potential to have had several sexual partners in a lifetime is quite possible…I just have to think that eventually could be draining mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over time…Maybe for men that would not be as much of  a factor, but from the women I know, every time you get involved with a man fully and it’s not your husband, a little piece of you dies…And it’s hard to be optimistic about dating over the long haul when you invest so much only to get back so little… ( I don’t care what the women in Sex and the City say…)

And while I believe in women’s liberation and all, we know that there are double standards in what is appropriate sexual behavior when it comes to women and men that cannot be denied…when you have sex with a man who is not emotionally invested in you, no matter what comes out of his mouth, he is not feelin’ you the same way you could be feelin’ him…A man recently told me that if he has sex with a woman he is not into, her whole house can go up in flames with her in it the moment he is done having sex with her, and he frankly wouldn’t care…That’s straight harsh, but it’s something to think about…And we all know that it takes a while for a man to get emotionally attached to a woman – typically much much longer than it takes a woman…And because men are hunters, we gotta respect the natural order of things…men respect what they have to wait for…if you just give him  “hot sex on a platter” if takes away from the hunt…

Since I’m a black woman, I have to speak from that perspective…I think much of our issues in the black community can be traced back to our loosening values when it comes to premarital sex…In a conversation I had last night with a fine man (yes, I’m talking about you 🙂 ), I told him that if all single black women in the A decided to stop having sex unless they are married, there would be some real and quantifiable results. Let’s say that today, Sunday, October 18, 2009, women declared on the steps of the Fulton County Courthouse that there would be no sex without a ring…A year from today, I guarantee the marriage rate – whatever it is – would double…Women may be able to go without sex for a long, long while, but most men cannot go without sex for the same length of time…And the people who got married would be more likely to have long-lasting marriages as women and men would make choices that wouldn’t be as dependant on sexual attraction…As it stands now, when you tell a man that you are a celibate, he may stick around if really wants to be there, but he has many, many options if he suddenly decides he can’t take it anymore…

There would be no children born outside of wedlock…Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy child as a single parent…I’ve seen it many times, but I think most single parents would rather raise their children as a two-parent household…Goodness gracious, I cannot even fathom all the changes that could come as a result of children being raised by two parents rather than one…We’ve all heard of some of the issues that children deal with when they are missing their mothers or fathers…More men would know how to be or even want to be real men because they would have seen it growing up…More women would make better choices about men because they were raised with their fathers…Poverty would decline as many single parents are poor…The jails would be less full because people would be more likely to learn responsible behavior because both parents were in their lives and were able to devote full attention to them…I know I’m skipping over a few things, but just consider what the ramifications could possibly be…

Who knows where sexually transmitted diseases come from, but I guarantee there would be less of them if people refused to engage in premarital sex…I don’t know all of the stats, but I think I’ve heard there are hundreds of STDs although only a few of them are well known – obviously HIV, HPV, herpes, etc.

I could go on, and this is by no means an organized discourse on the topic of premarital sex….these are just some random thoughts…The older I get, the more demystifying the term “sin” is to me…I simply think that sin is something that harms our relationship with God, our relationship with ourselves and our relationship with others…I think God declared that premarital sex is a sin because He knows how far reaching the effects are…

Any thoughts?

P.S. Yes, I know that one of the effects of this edict would be that the premium would go up on prostitutes…that’s another topic for another day…

P.P.S. And maybe the music about sex would get better too…Although everyone seems to be having sex nowadays – married or not – no one can really sing about sex like the old school singers…I remember the first time I saw the video for Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.” I think I was six years old…I didn’t know what sexual healing was, but I was sure it was good…

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Of Drugs and Light-Skinned Boys…

Hello World,

Picture it…The year was circa 1983 (Shout out to Sophia Petrillo of “The Golden Girls!” You know you watched it!) I was in the fourth grade and a proud member of The MJ Club. Of course, I am referring to Michael Jackson. I had the poster with MJ wearing the yellow sweater with the oh-so-sexy single Jheri curl cascading down his forehead…It was taped to the back of my bedroom door. MJ, wearing a white suit and black shirt, was lying on his side looking all innocent and fresh faced  on another poster on one of my walls…you know the “Thriller” album cover. I wanted to hang the infamous Prince poster on another wall…you know the one with him in some black underwear…I think he was in the shower. Sexy, sexy! I would have settled with the poster with Prince on his motorcycle…you know the “Purple Rain” poster. But my parents were still plugged into popular music back then and weren’t having Prince on my wall. I sported a plastic bag with Michael Jackson’s name inscribed on it. My shirts were covered with Michael Jackson buttons. That Christmas I unsuccessfully begged my parents for an MJ leather jacket with the zippers all over it.  I was definitely one of his top fans under 13 years old.

But somehow during that year, a light-skinned guy with a ridiculously high-pitched voice managed to test my allegiance to MJ. That guy was none other than El “I Like It” DeBarge. In my mind, I was like Michael is cute and all with his Jheri curl and butter voice, but El had that naturally good hair plus he was light-skindeded too…Ha,ha…And his whole family was soo pretty…Around that time, the movie, “The Last Dragon,” came out and quickly became of one my favorite movies at the time. DeBarge’s song, “Rhythm of the Night” was on the soundtrack for that movie and so I became a huge fan of DeBarge.

DeBarge had so many hits…”All This Love,” “Time Will Reveal,” “Love Me in a Special Way,” “Who’s Holding Donna Now,” “You Wear It Well”  They were almost a modern day “The Jackson 5” only there were four brothers and their sister, Bunny…And dudes loved them some Bunny too…And almost as quickly as they appeared on the scene, they exited stage left into near obscurity. I heard rumors that many of the brothers were on drugs, somebody had gone to jail, etc. But I never knew what conclusively happened to them until I watched TV One show “Unsung.”  DeBarge was featured on its first episode. First of all, I had no idea that their father was white and their mother was dark skinned. The children suffered relentless abuse from their father and their mother was unable to protect them from the abuse.  The two elder DeBarge brothers were a part of the group Switch and were responsible for the hit, “There’ll Never Be.” (Love that song!) Drug abuse and infighting ultimately led to the demise of Switch and DeBarge. But one quote from Bunny haunted me after the show ended. She said she hoped the next generation of the DeBarge family would escape the generational curse of drug abuse in their family.

And so this is a looong intro to the topic of generational curses. My favorite author Catherine Marshall has a chapter on the topic in her book, “Something More.” In the chapter, she quotes Deuteronomy 30:19, “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants.” Marshall also said, “It soon became apparent that just as we can inherit either a fortune or debts, so in the spiritual realm we can inherit either spiritual blessings or those liabilities (unabashedly called ‘sins’ in Scripture) that hinder our development into mature persons. These blessings or liabilities do not come to us solely by heredity. Obviously, they are passed on by example and by teaching – conscious and unconscious.”

For instance, my grandfather was a pastor. My father is a pastor. I have uncles who are pastors. I aspire to be a Christian author. Faith is definitely something that was passed down in my family. According to my dad, so is obsessive thinking…Goodness gracious, sometimes I am terrorized by how fast my mind spins with obsessive, anxious sometimes crazy thoughts. I revealed this unsettling behavior to my dad once and he told me it happens to him too…I wonder who passed it down to him…

If you think of behaviors – good and bad – that were passed down in your family from generation to generation, it seems almost impossible to escape them. However, Marshall describes her method for breaking these generational behaviors. Of course, it starts with praying and meditating on God’s Word. Marshall said, “‘The generations can start to assume their creative function at any point. Even if most of one’s life is in the past and certain children and grandchildren are acute problem cases, yes, even then God can turn this curse that goes down through the generations into a blessing…For each of us-no matter what our situation or how we feel we have failed -there is hope.”

So what do you think about generational blessings and curses? Do they exist? What has been your experience with them? chris brown

Any thoughts?

P.S. These pics are of a few of my fave light-skinned singers…I struggled whether to include Chris Brown’s photo…but when I thought about it, what is happening with him and Rihanna may be a perfect example of generational dysfunction. From what I’ve read, Brown watched his stepfather abuse his mother and now it seems Brown has become the abuser…let’s pray that Chris Brown deal with his problem and be the person that God created him to be…

Below is a DeBarge video…