Category Archives: Fathers

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Biologicals Do Bother aka Happy Father’s Day

Hello World,

My Facebook profile picture today...

Even on Facebook, it is evident that Father’s Day is a much more complicated holiday than Mother’s Day! Days before Mother’s Day on Facebook, people asked their friends to change their profile pictures to honor their mothers and within hours, nearly all of my friends changed their profile pictures to pictures of their mothers. It was so cool to see the faces of the mothers that gave birth to my cyber family!

Days before Father’s Day, I noticed that some of my Facebook friends had changed their profile pictures to pictures of their fathers, but many others posted status updates about their mothers who were actually their fathers too because their fathers weren’t present in their lives. Some other Facebook friends praised the fathers of others while being tellingly silent about their own fathers. And even others ignited arguments about the contributions of fathers in general and specifically. What a dismal commentary about the collective opinion about fathers…

I don’t want to discount the experiences of many of my Facebook friends, but there are many, many, many fathers out there who are great fathers! And many of those fathers are doing it all alone!  In fact, here in Georgia, a recent report from the U.S. Census Bureau reveals that for the first time since 1970, the rise of families headed by single fathers surpassed the rise of households headed by single mothers! There was a recent article by Gracie Bond-Staples in the AJC about this surprising data.

Indeed, among the fastest growing types of households were those that include a father and kids without a wife, which were up some 45 percent, compared to those with a mother and kids but no husband, which showed a 35 percent jump.

Experts say the numbers reflect not only a shift in court and societal attitudes about child-rearing but women for whom motherhood has become less important.

And it seems that single fathers may be, in some ways at least, better equipped to take on parenting than single mothers.

Matthew Weinshenker, an assistant professor of sociology at Fordham University, said the state trend mirrors what’s happening nationally, where the number of single dads has almost doubled from 1.5 million to 2.79 million since 1990. In addition, those same census figures, he said, show single dads are older than single moms on average and have higher incomes.

It was interesting to read about the experiences of these single fathers…

Jim Higley, who recently won the title of “world’s greatest dad” in a national contest, said he regularly encounters people who seemed puzzled and intrigued by his decision to raise his children alone.

Higley, widely known as the “Bobblehead Dad” from his weekly parenting column in Chicago Tribune’s TribLocal, took over sole parenting responsibilities of his children about five years ago, when he and his wife separated and then divorced.

…

For instance, Mujahid-Alexander of Tucker, who shares custody with their mother of his 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter, said he had to turn down a swimming outing recently for his son because he didn’t believe he could watch both kids at the same time. And Kuklinski said he has had to give up a few dates.

Despite the challenges, they said giving up that place in their children’s lives was unfathomable.

“I grew up in a two-parent home. I have no concept of what it would be like without two parents and I could not see my children growing up like that,” Mujahid-Alexander said. “That wasn’t acceptable.”

With the recent retirement of basketball giant (literally and figuratively) Shaquille O’Neal, many sports fans have been recounting his many contributions to the game, but I remember when Shaq tried to ignite a rap career some years back. Obviously, he is a better baller than rapper, but I do remember his song “Biological Didn’t Bother” which he dedicated to his stepfather who raised him. Shaq also didn’t mince words about his disdain for his biological father….

Yo, yo, I want to dedicated this song to Philip Arthur Harrison
Word up, ’cause he was the one who took me from a boy to a man
So as far as I’m concerned, he’s my father
‘Cause my biological didn’t bother

Biological father, left me in the cold, when a few months old
A father’s child was greater than gold but I guess not
You brought me into the world but you’re not my dad
Mess around with those drugs makes my moms mad

I cannot dismiss the feelings of many who see Father’s Day as a day to reflect on the absence rather than the presence of their fathers, but I submit that many biological fathers do bother….Another basketball great Dwayne Wade recently won sole custody of his sons. Below is what Wade told the Associated Press after the long custody battle for his boys.

“My life changed in a huge way,” Wade told the AP. “Mentally, I’ve been preparing for it for over a year now. To me, it’s bigger than that. For me, it shows a lot of people that you need to fight to be in your kids’ lives sometimes. You fight until you can’t fight any more. That’s all I was trying to be, a father in his kids’ lives.”

Wade’s words really blessed me this morning, and I thank God for blessing me with an extraordinary father! And Happy Father’s Day to all of the others out there! We need you, we love you, and we salute you!!!

Any thoughts?

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“the Black Man-O-logues II” – THE REVIEW…

Hello World!!!

I love the A…I guess that’s why I have lived here since I was six years old…I especially love it when the city is abuzz with numerous events simultaneously…As R & I traveled to the 14th Street Playhouse, we had to wade our way through groups of people walking the streets as a festival was nearby…And we all know the 100 Black Men of Atlanta TSU and FAMU football game also had the city on lock this weekend…And as I said before, R&I were doing our own thang…

And so let me get to my review…From the time, R & I walked into the theater where we would see the play, I knew that because of intimacy of the theater I would have more of a reaction than if I had been in a large theater where I was likely to be rows and rows away from the actors. This theater housed about 50 people with the front row right on the stage…As R and I waited for the play to start, we discovered that we both hate musicals…(I’m sorry, I fell asleep in “The Color Purple” musical when I saw it on Broadway in NYC)…But we also discovered that in spite of our distaste for musicals, we both love “Annie.” Go figure…Oh, the new discoveries while you are dating…

As promised, “the Black Man-O-logues II”  served up different scenarios of black men expressing love…I always make sure to pay special attention when a man in general, a black man in particular, willingly describe their emotions on the subject of love because it is so rare…

In the first scenario, we are introduced to Dash, a young man who is starting to “smell himself” but desperately wants to have guidance from a father who is not there…I think his father died but at any rate, two thuggish characters, one of which claims to have known Dash’s father,  in his neighborhood start to have increasing influence over him to his mother’s dismay…I wondered if this is what happens to many black boys who want to be men…Are they lured by the streets in order to find father figures at any cost? Aside: I know that single parenthood cannot be avoided in some cases, but we can all agree that a nuclear family is really the best environment in which to raise a child?…I’m so tired of people acting like a single parent is just as good as two parents…I really do think our community is suffering because of this fallacy…Okay, off of my soapbox and back to my review…

Now the second scenario was R’s favorite…and I really enjoyed it too…In this scene, we meet Demarcus and Priya,who are having an emotional affair at work…In fact, they refer to each other as office spouses although they both have real spouses at home…Hmmm…I don’t recall ever working directly with anyone who I would want to have an affair with…but from what I have heard, I know this is to be a very timely issue…At any rate, Demarcus is a prime candidate for an affair – emotional or otherwise – as he is feeling neglected by his wife…Although married for just a few years, Demarcus reveals to Priya that he and his wife are only having sex twice a month…R looks at me and says, “Do you think that is acceptable?” I look at him, pat his leg and say, “Of course not.”  Guess he is collecting data too…Ha!  Priya, on the other hand, does not seem deprived at home so I wonder why she seems to ready to get involved with Demarcus…R explained to me later that there are just women out there, happily married or not, who are always ready to provide a man with what he does not get at home…The takeaway from this scenario is that if you want to keep a man, a woman must be prepared to “cook, cut and compliment…” A more vulgar three-prong command was offered, but I will let you only imagine what that was…

I won’t describe each scenario in detail but I will attempt to give you the highlights…In the third scenario, we are introduced to a young man, Junior, 16, who molests his 3-year-old sister…At the end of the scene, he winds up dead at the hand of his father who cannot believe that his son is a child molester…I found it hard to believe that a father could shoot his son in this manner but it made for very compelling theater…While I was watching this scene, I did remember this dude from my childhood that mysteriously vanished after the neighborhood heard a rumor that he molested his sister…And I don’t believe this topic is dealt with enough for sure…

In the next scenario, we meet a mama’s boy, Greg,  who is at the mercy of his mama’s every whim – although he is a grown man…In fact, he is so influenced by his mother that he is about to lose his girlfriend of two years…In fact, as the scene unfolds, it is revealed that his mother, who craves her son’s undivided attention, hid letters from his father and told him that his father did not want him although that was a lie…Apparently, his parents separated when he was very young, and the father moved far away but asked his son to come and live with him…He refers to his mother as “Queen,” and he reserves every Thursday night for his mama to his girlfriend’s disgust…He even spends that night at his mama’s and refuses to introduce his mama to his girlfriend…Hmmm…I have come across a few mama’s boys in my day…And yes, the relationship, in some ways, resembles the one between a man and his wife…not sexy at all…

With current events as they are in Atlanta, the next scenario elicits audience participation aplenty…Gabriel is struggling with his sexual preference…And his churchgoing parents are struggling too…In fact, Gabriel undergoes some sort of ritual where church people attempt to beat the “gay demon” out of him…Hmmm…does that really go on? After surviving the beating or thrashing or whatever it was, Gabriel, who had passed out during the ritual, delivers a heartfelt plea to be treated with dignity and love…He tells the audience that no one would choose to be that way given the response that people have toward him and that the church focuses too much on homosexuality when it should be focusing on other other issues like why even 50 percent of marriages between church folk end up in divorce – no different from the world – Again, due to current events, obviously, this is  a topic that needs be discussed openly and honestly…

In the next scene, we see a couple getting ready to have relations…lol…but are interrupted by Dash from the first scene along with his two misguided homies who want to steal valuables from the couple’s home…By the end of the scene, the three would-be burglars are shot dead by the man in the couple who laments that he is responsible for killing three black men…Apparently, in a recession, there are some who would rather steal it  than try to make it honestly during tough times…Aside: As the couple were getting in the mood, Jodeci’s “Freakin You” was playing the background…R & I shared how we both played that album over and over again back in the day (more dating discoveries)…Guess I can’t play my old tape as I’m getting ready for church this morning lol, but I plan to take a listen sometime this week…LOVED that album…If only K-Ci and JoJo would get themselves together…

Lest I go on too long, I particularly enjoyed the scenario about two married couples that have one thing in common – both husbands are out of work and the wives are forced to be the sole breadwinners in the household while the husbands stay at home with the children…However, one husband was very uncomfortable with the situation and wore an apron that said, “This is some bull__.” Funny, huh? His wife, however, was happy being the major breadwinner and was starting to patronize her husband with her comments about his worth to the family…

The husband in the other couple, however, is very comfortable being a househusband while his wife is jealous because she wants to be the one to stay at home and take their children to school, field trips, etc. Now, it was my time to ask R a question or two…lol…Now, we all know that job loss happens from time to time…but in any household where I’m the wife, I don’t think I can live with my man being a househusband…now, my father always worked from home during my childhood but he was never a househusband…Naw, playa, when I leave for work, erebody leaves for work…

Other scenarios were presented but in the interest of brevity, let me wrap it up…

The sum of it all – R&I thought the play was excellent and inspired discussion during the play and afterward…y’all better check for Jacquay Waller because he is doin’ it!

Any thoughts?

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Color Him Father, Color Him Love

an old school passport photo of my dad...

an old school passport photo of my dad...

Hello World!!!  (Note: I originally posted this last year, but since I love this post, I thought it would be okay to post again. Happy Father’s Day! )

Happy Father’s Day to all of the fathers out there!!!  In my Mother’s Day post, I mentioned that my mother is the heart of my family, but I am unquestionably a daddy’s girl!  I can think of all sorts of sweet childhood memories of my dad. First of all, my daddy is the ultimate Renaissance man. When my brother and I were young children, he would take us for long walks in the woods. We would feel the bark of the trees,  gaze into the sky and listen to the sounds of what we hoped were far away animals. Sometimes, he would walk ahead of us and we would hear him pronouncing different words over and over again. Diction is very important to my scholarly daddy.

On Saturday mornings, back in the day, I swayed to the old school reggae music my father played as he washed his car. Later in the day, he would wash my huge afro before sending me to my mother for her to plait it. Sometimes, we would go to arts festivals at Piedmont Park. At night, my father read Disney books to us before we went to sleep. I credit my father for awakening my desire to be a writer. I remember when my mother was pregnant with my youngest brother David, she had to go into the hospital for several months. She got pregnant with him when she was 40 years old so it was considered a high risk pregnancy. At any rate, the summer before my brother was born in October, my daddy was responsible for making  lunch for my brother Delvall and me.  Thankfully, the women at the church made our dinners. (My father has been the pastor at Central Christian Church for nearly 30 years – since I was six years old.) Anyway, my father, who can’t cook, boiled hot dogs and toasted buns almost every day for our lunch during that summer. I couldn’t even look at a hot dog without feeling sick for years after that summer…

My father has never been afraid to show his faith in public which was the source of utter embarassment to my brothers and me.  Whenever we would go out to restaurants to eat, the three of us would start to cringe as he asked us to bow our heads to pray. And then my father’s deep voice made more obtrusive by his Jamaican accent made us want to hide under the table. I used to get into a lot of fights with the neighborhood kids when I was a little girl. I think they used to pick on me because I went to a private school instead of the elementary school in the neighborhood. I think it was named Kathleen Mitchell Elementary School…Anyway, I may have been small but I had a mighty mouth, and I “wrote checks with my mouth that my actions couldn’t cash.” When my father got wind of these fights, he would sit down with the two of us on the front porch and talk to us about being peacemakers. I used to wish that my father would be the like the other fathers in the neighborhood who encouraged my friends to fight those who picked on them. But now I know it takes much more control to be a peacemaker than it does to lash out verbally and physically…still working on that lesson daddy…

I remember when my first high school boyfriend and I broke up. My father, who has always worked from home, heard me wailing in my bathroom and asked me what was wrong. With my red face and swollen eyes, I tearfully explained how Imani and I broke up before homeroom that morning. My father looked in my eyes and said, “Well, this kind of thing happens in life, and it won’t be the last time.” Those words weren’t exactly comforting words, but I recognized he was trying to comfort me. In hindsight, he was probably a bit surprised that I was finally old enough to be wailing over a boy.

I was on the drill team in high school. Being on the drill team was one of the ways I got out of the house on weekend nights because I wasn’t allowed to go to parties and dances until I went to college. (I was allowed to go the prom though.) One year, I really wanted to go to my school’s homecoming dance in the gym. I asked my father to go, but I was not surprised when his answer was simply,”No.” So I got to scheming. When we had away games, we often didn’t get back to the school grounds until midnight or after. So I lied and told my parents that we had an away game (although it was homecoming) and that he shouldn’t pick me up until at least midnight. I figured that would give me some time to enjoy the dance plus I never invited my parents to come to the games because I knew they would not appreciate some of the provocative dances that the drill team performed.

My dad and my nephew DeAnthony probably crying about not getting his way...

So I thought I had the perfect plan in place as I sat on the bleachers in the gym talking to my one of my high school hearthrobs, Brian. I swooned over him as he talked and enjoyed watching people dance. The gym was so dark it was hard to make out everyone until without warning, a door to the gym opened and light flooded in. Looking like Al Bundy from the hilarious but now defunct sitcom,” Married… with Children,” there stood my father in the middle of the light. You are not going to believe this. All the way from the bleachers, I could see that my father was wearing pajamas covered by his trench coat.  I felt like a deer cornered in the headlights. I could not move as my father looked around for a few minutes before getting to me.

Right in front of Brian, my father finally came up to me and said we had to leave. He escorted me out of the gym and to his car. To this day, I don’t know how my father figured out I was at the homecoming dance instead of the game. I don’t know what happened at school in the weeks afterward. I think I blocked it out of my memory I was so embarassed.

My father celebrating his 65th birthday...whew Dad, you gettin' old!

I have a vault of memories I could share, but I won’t. Consider yourselves lucky if you have a father that is in your life because I have learned that many of us did not grow up with fathers including my own father. He often shares that he met his father once in his life after he was already a grown man. I feel sad when I think of my father not having a father like the father that he has been to me. My father, who is by no means perfect, has enabled me to feel secure and cherished and I love him dearly for that…

Any thoughts?

There are countless songs about mothers but not as many, it seems, about fathers, but I have included two here. “Color Him Father” by The Winstons is about a stepfather’s love and the other song, “Daddy,” by Beyonce’ is about being a daddy’s girl…enjoy!