Category Archives: dating

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‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ Author Joshua Harris Announces Separation From His Wife Following Reevaluation of His Popular Book…

UPDATE: Joshua Harris Announces He is No Longer a Christian on Instagram...

Hello World,

Somehow or another, I heard of the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris around the time it was published in 1997. In 1997, I was a newly minted adult having earned a college degree a year earlier. As someone who managed to get through puberty in part due to Molly Ringwald movies, kissing was something I’d looked forward to for a long time and no book that said the Bible said that kissing and dating were wrong was going to deter me…

And yet as the daughter of a pastor and as a young woman who recommitted to my faith following college graduation, I pondered if what Joshua Harris wrote in his book was actually true. Was courtship (which includes the parentals and is leading to marriage at the outset) and not dating the Christian way to mingle while single? Was kissing crossing the line?

Somehow or another, I decided even after I recommitted to my faith that despite the fact that his book was a runaway bestseller and the fact that I had met a few single Christian guys who advocated courtship (weirdos in retrospect), it was rubbish. But on the other hand, I had read the verse about fleeing fornication and another verse about being modest as a Christian woman and still another about not awakening love until it is time and I wondered if I was just being “in my flesh” as some Christians say.

But as I’ve always questioned authority, I decided over numerous conversations with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that my relationship with the triune God (the three parts of God) would have to govern my actions in mating, dating and relating. And still, if you date more than a few years, about 20 in my case including high school, you start to wonder if maybe those folks who didn’t kiss before their wedding day and courted and got married right around puberty or right after college were right after all. I’m not writing all of this to say that I take any pleasure in the fact that Joshua Harris recently announced via Instagram that he and his wife have separated…

Because as a married woman of nearly six years, I know this must have been a heartbreaking decision to make. But I am writing this to say that with the insight of age and hindsight, some of these extreme views on how to conduct yourself while dating as a Christian can really stunt your growth as a relational person in general. (And please know that I don’t know why Joshua and his wife are separating nor am I speculating as to why…) And I think “groupthink” galvanized by a book or whatever the medium doesn’t take into account a person’s individuality. I think each person, according to his or her relationship with God and the counsel of wise friends, associates, books including the Bible, etc., has to figure this thang out. For example, we all know that Christians are supposed to flee fornication prior to marriage but what does that look like at 40 years old versus 20 years old? Now, I know why many up and got married at 21. Sex, basically. And I’m not even saying that is wrong in each and every case. But what happens when for whatever reason, marriage doesn’t happen until later in life?

Somehow I missed the news that Joshua came to the same or at least a similar conclusion that I did. Below is a portion of his statement about his book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”

While I stand by my book’s call to sincerely love others, my thinking has changed significantly in the past twenty years. I no longer agree with its central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner. I recommend books like Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and True Love Dates by Debra Fileta, which encourage healthy dating.

There are other weaknesses too: in an effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices (not dating, not kissing before marriage) and concepts (giving your heart away) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, it instilled fear for some—fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken. The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.

I’m glad that he referenced Dr. Cloud’s book “Boundaries in Dating” because his book helped me a lot while I was dating. His views made sense to me as a grown woman dating and I encourage any person who wants to have a balanced, Christian approach to dating to read his book. Apparently, Joshua made a documentary regarding his reevaluation of his book and ultimately decided to discontinue its publication with the approval of his publisher. (Below is the trailer for the movie.)

You have to respect that. As has been said, when you know better, you do better. His book and the purity culture that sprang up around that same time had good intentions I’m certain and I do believe that some may have benefited from these ideas, but I don’t think that it helps anyone to say adhering to a certain set of beliefs will work the same for everyone. We come from God alone and we return to Him alone and that individual journey must be respected. Am I making sense?

Anywho, Slate has an excellent article about Joshua Harris and what had happened…

AND this as well:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

My heart is full of gratitude. I wish you could see all the messages people sent me after the announcement of my divorce. They are expressions of love though they are saddened or even strongly disapprove of the decision.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I am learning that no group has the market cornered on grace. This week I’ve received grace from Christians, atheists, evangelicals, exvangelicals, straight people, LGBTQ people, and everyone in-between. Of course there have also been strong words of rebuke from religious people. While not always pleasant, I know they are seeking to love me. (There have also been spiteful, hateful comments that angered and hurt me.)⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ The information that was left out of our announcement is that I have undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus. The popular phrase for this is “deconstruction,” the biblical phrase is “falling away.” By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Martin Luther said that the entire life of believers should be repentance. There’s beauty in that sentiment regardless of your view of God. I have lived in repentance for the past several years—repenting of my self-righteousness, my fear-based approach to life, the teaching of my books, my views of women in the church, and my approach to parenting to name a few. But I specifically want to add to this list now: to the LGBTQ+ community, I want to say that I am sorry for the views that I taught in my books and as a pastor regarding sexuality. I regret standing against marriage equality, for not affirming you and your place in the church, and for any ways that my writing and speaking contributed to a culture of exclusion and bigotry. I hope you can forgive me.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ To my Christians friends, I am grateful for your prayers. Don’t take it personally if I don’t immediately return calls. I can’t join in your mourning. I don’t view this moment negatively. I feel very much alive, and awake, and surprisingly hopeful. I believe with my sister Julian that, “All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”

A post shared by Joshua Harris (@harrisjosh) on

 

 

Any thoughts?

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It’s First Lady Friday Featuring…Denedriane Dean, First Lady of Word Ministries Christian Outreach Church in Harrisonburg,Virginia!

Hello World,

During Women’s History Month, I’ve launched a new feature featuring First Ladies! In thinking about my mother who was the First Lady of Central Christian Church in Atlanta, Georgia for 38 years before my father retired in 2017 and after reading Kimberla Lawson Roby’s final Rev. Curtis Black book “Better Late Than Never” which explored Charlotte’s desire to not be a typical First Lady, it dawned on me that I should feature First Ladies, which are revered positions particularly in the black church. Everyone is always talking about what the pastor of this church and that church is doing, but First Ladies are equally as important as the pastors to whom they are married! So once per month, on a Friday of course, I am featuring a First Lady. So if you know of a First Lady who should be featured, please e-mail me at jacqueline@afterthealtarcall.com because I’m looking for notable First Ladies to feature!

So with that being said, let me present to some and introduce to others the First Lady of Word Ministries Christian Outreach Church in Harrisonburg, Virginia, Pastor Denedriane (Dee Dee) Dean…

Below is her biography followed by my interview with her. Read, enjoy and share!

Pastor Denedriane (Dee Dee) Dean is a lover of God and of people. She is a native of Hampton, Virginia, and a 1992 graduate of James Madison University. JMU is where she met the love of her life, Pastor Art Dean. They wed in 1993, and have three smart, funny and creative young adult children: Tre, Dominique, and Adia. Pastor Dee has co-pastored Word Ministries Christian Outreach Church in Harrisonburg Virginia, alongside her husband, since 2004. She oversees the ministries of Worship & Arts, Intercessory Prayer, and Thrive, a ministry to women. Together, Pastors Art & Dee are commissioned to build people, build community, and watch God change lives by the power of His Word!

*note: Denedriane is pronounced Dee-KNEE-dree-en 🙂

1. How do you feel about the term “First Lady” and is Word Ministries Christian Outreach Church the first church where you have served as First Lady? 

So I will answer it backwards. Yes, it is the first church that we have served as co-pastors. First and only. We started in 2004. It has been an adventure and a blessing. We started out as co-pastors right out of the gate. It was something that my husband really wanted so when he was installed as lead pastor, senior pastor, he recognized that I was in the trenches with him so to speak. I was ministering to people as well, not necessarily on the same level as him because he was the one who was called and appointed to be a pastor. By that same token, I was alongside him, ministering, going to visit people. You know, just very active. So he wanted a title for me that reflected that involvement in ministry. We started attending our church as college students. Eventually, we were invited to be youth pastors. It was right before we got married.

Now, as far as the term ‘First Lady’ is concerned, I think any woman who serves alongside her husband should be honored with some type of title. But I’m not hung up on titles at the same time. I’m just for giving honor when honor is due. We learned from our spiritual parents. I didn’t want to be too casual with our interaction with our spiritual parents, and I learned to give honor even in a title. I’m very comfortable with that title, but we don’t happen to use it that much at Word Ministries. They just called me co-pastor right off the bat. I think the term ‘First Lady’ is a bit regional too. Like in this part of Virginia, it’s not so popular. We’re in the northwestern part of Virginia so it’s a little bit rural and a little bit city. But the term co-pastor stuck so that is their term for respect and honor.

 2. What is the “job description” of a First Lady?

She is a ‘co-carer’ for the flock. For me, it’s distilled down to that. I lead various ministries but that is going to be different for each First Lady because each woman has different strengths or different callings with respect to her gifts. But when it comes down to it, I think our best job description is to care for the people alongside my husband.

 3. What is the best part and what is the worst part about being a First Lady?

The best part is to be able to influence and bring opportunities to other ladies. As God is giving me opportunities to see and experience new things, He’s also given me a heart to share that with the ladies, not only to ladies, but primarily with ladies in the church. I can share there is another way of operating, whether it be spiritually or practically, in life. I’m not perfect, but as I learn more, I want to share that with the ladies and be a positive influence. I share what God has done for me and where He has brought me from.

I think ‘worst’ is a strong word. But sometimes, being in this role can be a little bit isolating so I have to make intentional steps to be very connected to my family and other women who are in similar positions, other First Ladies, other co-pastors. There are things that we walk through and experience that you just cannot land with just anybody. They have to be strategic people that God has placed in your life who can handle what you are carrying or bearing.

4. What are some misconceptions that people have about being a First Lady?

I think sometimes we can be misunderstood in terms of approachability. People may think I can’t really talk to her because she’s the First Lady or co-pastor. She’s up there and I’m still working through my own stuff. Maybe I can’t be as open or as vulnerable as I need to be. But I think that me being willing to be vulnerable with them makes them more able to be vulnerable with me.

Some people may think we’re stiff, like I’m only going to wear this or think this way or whatever. So each First Lady has to be who we are genuinely so people can know, just because you’re in leadership doesn’t mean that you don’t enjoy life. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have things that you just gravitate toward. Like I love NASA! I’m interested in anything that has to do with space and my whole church knows that!

5. You are over the Worship & Arts Ministry at your church. Tell me more that ministry and your involvement.

I became worship leader the year before we became pastors. Over the years we’ve had arts involvement, but it’s mostly been worship. So we have seen different iterations of our worship team. We’ve had a full band. We’ve had a not-so-full band. It’s been an adventure. But we praise Him with whatever we have.

6. You blog on two different websites – your website refreshingtalk.com and travelingmom.com. How did you get into blogging and tell me about these two websites? 

That was related to my homeschooling experience. I homeschooled all three of my children at different points of their lives: the oldest and youngest all the way through and the middle one went to public high school in ninth grade. In saying that, I wanted them to write more so in 2010, I thought well, I’ll start a blog and they can write for the blog. Their blogging lasted for a hot minute, but mine continued. I discovered that I liked blogging and here I am, nine years later, still blogging. With the travel blog, it was something that I looked into. I found that it was a good match for what I wanted to do. I wrote for that blog for a year, but my children  started going through different seasons, like going to college, so I had to focus my attention elsewhere. But recently I have reconnected with travelingmom.com so I hope to do more travel writing.

Recently, I went to the NASA Space X launch out of my love for all things space. I was born and raised in Hampton, Virginia so if you know anything about the book ‘Hidden Figures’ and the people who that book is about and even the author, they are from the NASA Langley area or Hampton. We were kind of surrounded by NASA and all things space just growing up. It was a part of my  upbringing.  So NASA has what they call ‘Socials’ and you can apply to attend an event. If you get selected, you get to witness a launch or whatever the focus is and you get the opportunity to speak with people who may have missions on that particular launch, who have been working on something for a decade and now their particular mission is launching into space. I was able to tour the facility at Kennedy Space Center which was really a treat because that’s where all the history of NASA and all of the Apollo missions are located. It was a great blessing just to be able to go and feel that for myself. This is the second social that I’ve attended.

Click on THIS LINK to see a news report about Pastor Dee Dee’s NASA experience!

My first one was in Hampton, Virginia earlier this year. When NASA made their big Moon to Mars announcement when they laid out their plans to go back to the moon and then from there to Mars. So I was selected to attend that event. It was a one-day event. I’ve been bitten by the NASA Social bug so I plan to apply others as they fit in my schedule. My family and church schedule comes first so it was a blessing that this last event worked around my two priorities.

7. As you have three young adult children, are you an empty nester? 

They are still here. One just graduated from college. My oldest son is Tre and he’s 23 years old. He graduated from JMU this past May. Our middle and oldest daughter Dominique is a rising senior at JMU so she will be coming out in 2020. Our baby daughter Adia will be 19 in August. She’s trying to figure out what she wants – if her path will look similar to her brother and sister’s path at JMU. That is where Art and I met and that is how we got to Harrisonburg period. We met, finished school, got married and never left the area.

How sweet!

Again, if you know of a First Lady who should be featured, please e-mail me at jacqueline@afterthealtarcall.com because I’m looking for notable First Ladies to feature! And if you would like to have conversations about faith, relationship, pop culture and more, please click on this link to subscribe to my blog 🙂! Finally, if you missed the second post of First Lady Friday, please click on It’s First Lady Friday Featuring…Kirstyn Mayden, First Lady of Mt. Zion United Methodist Church in Upperco, Maryland!

Any thoughts?

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Sherri Shepherd Responds to Ex Lamar Saying He’s ‘Praying’ For Her, That She’s ‘Bitter’ & Should Go to Therapy!

Hello World,

So two posts ago I posted an excerpt from an article summarizing what Sherri Shepherd said about her ex-husband Lamar Sally in a recent interview on the The D.L. Hughley Show. Below is how Sherry explained why she married him when she said many of her friends and celebrity colleagues warned her not do so.

“I was in a place in New York by myself, lonely,” she said. “At the time I was in my 40s and scared. I was like, ‘I’m getting older, who’s going to want to be in a relationship?’ It was a lot of stuff done out of fear. I was also raised to in the church to believe you can’t have sex before you get married, so I was horny! The whole celibacy thing, this idea that it’s better to get married than to burn. So I got married too because I was horny, and look, we never had sex.”

Well, Lamar clapped back, penning a letter that he released to TMZ! He accused her of abandoning the son they agreed to have together via a surrogate. However, the son (who is biologically Lamar’s son but not Sherri’s as a donor egg was used) was born after the couple broke up. Still, according to People magazine and TMZ, Sherri pays $4,100 in child support to Lamar each month! Although she is keeping up with her payments, he claims she has abandoned the child, called her bitter and recommended that she go to therapy – despite all of this, he says he is “praying” for her! Additionally, he claims that she blackballed him in Hollywood and has not has any TV writing jobs as a result.

(Aside: Regarding his claim that she abandoned the child, Sherri told me herself via this blog that his claim wasn’t true. She said, “…I have a son w special needs that I talk about incessantly… do I seem like the type of woman who would ‘abandon’ a child? A woman who would shirk her duties where children are concerned – if you have followed me at all- you would know that isn’t the case at all…must be more to the story, yes? Well I stop there, because I can feel the Holy Spirit tip tapping me on my shoulder; and it’s also too quiet in the family room which means Jeffrey is doing something he ain’t suppose to be doing! God Bless.” She commented on a post “Sherri Shepherd Jokes About Giving Her Surrogate Baby to Raven Symone & More on ‘The View’” that I wrote in 2015.)

Now I can understand that what Sherri said hurt his pride, but her truth is her truth whether he likes it or not!  Furthermore, if someone was paying me thousands of dollars a month, I would suck it up and chalk it up to a contentious divorce. And of course, TMZ had a get a response from Sherri after Lamar’s clap back! She said she didn’t blackball him at all. In fact, she said she hopes he does get some writing gigs so that her child support payments can be reduced! I hear that!

You can check out Sherri’s full response to Lamar’s response HERE on TMZ.

In other Sherri Shepherd news, the comedic duo of Sherri Shepherd and Kym Whitley will serve as hostesses for for the Multicultural Media Correspondents Association Dinner. The dinner is being held today at 6:30 p.m. at the National Press Club in Washington D.C. With music by DJ D-Nice, the exclusive, invitation only gala is attended by media influencers, policymakers, executives, corporate and advocacy organization allies and Hollywood VIPs.

The event will honor the accomplishments of media industry legends and luminaries of color, including “The Fly Jock” Tom Joyner, NBC 4 news anchor Eun Yang, EMMY Award winning journalist Veronica Villafane, and digital media executive Parker Morse. Congresswoman Val Demings(D-FL.) will also be honored for her seminal work to increase media diversity, and there will be a special tribute to John Singleton including family members.

MMCA is a nonpartisan/nonprofit organization leading a call to action to increase media diversity. In just its fourth year, MMCA has become a trusted convener and facilitator of thought leadership, resource and information sharing and strategic engagement between multicultural media stakeholders, tech and media decision-makers, policymakers and private entities committed to increasing the percentage of diverse media stakeholders and content. www.mmcadc.org; @mmcadc on all platforms.

Any thoughts?

P.S. Know this…Just because someone says they’re “praying” for you doesn’t mean it’s a good thing…