Category Archives: Book Notes

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So is the black church keeping black women single and lonely?

Hello World!!!

Happy Hump Day! Now that I have offered that nicety, let me get into the not-so-nice business at hand of the day…

I have been trying to ignore this topic for weeks (Black women and our dating and mating woes seem to be the topic du jour of 2010, huh?) , but Facebook friends and other friends have e-mailed this article to me one time too many, and now, I feel compelled to respond…

Dating expert, Deborrah Cooper, through her Web Site, Surviving Dating, has written an article that has the blogosphere buzzing…

The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely…

Tadow…she’s really trying to hit us in the kisser huh?! If you criticize the black church, you may just be taking on an army of Christian soldiers anyone would be hard pressed to beat…

But she does make some interesting points…I won’t rehash it all here but below are a  few excerpts from her controversial article…

An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion”by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”

The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”

Single Black women trying to live a sanctified lifestyle won’t be caught dead in the places where men are likely to be found. These church women refuse to go to parties, sports bars or sporting events, or clubs where there is drinking, card playing, domino throwing, s*$t talking and cussing – you know, the things that most men who enjoy life like to do. Instead these single Black women sit at home alone, or get together with their friends and read the Bible, then pray that God will bring them a husband.

Some women will argue that there are lots of “nice” single men in church and that I am being harsh. Okay, I’ve been to dozens of churches around the country and looked hard at those guys. Without a doubt I can tell you flatly that the vast majority (I’m saying 98%) of them fit into one of four categories:

  1. A loser working a 12-step program. These guys are in church looking for structure and something to believe in besides themselves, because they are weak and confused. They need help getting their lives back on track and are seeking solace and comfort in church. If they can hook up with a woman looking desperately for a church-going man of any ilk, they’ve got it made.
  2. Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying. Some gay men are wrestling with severe guilt and confusion about their desires, which they hope to pray away. Others are openly gay and attend church seeking acceptance from a community which turns its nose up at homosexuality; they are also seeking forgiveness for their sins. Whatever may be this guy’s issue, he is emotionally and psychologically unavailable.
  3. Opportunistic players on the prowl. Every player I know goes to a couple of different churches… some of them go quite regularly. They have easy pickings amongst the hundreds of horny, lonely single women that will cook and give them free meals and satisfy his sexual urges (though these players have no intention of marrying and committing to anyone). Since sex amongst unmarried singles is a sin, it is easy for him to gain the assurance of the women that they keep things secret and not speak of their “transgression” lest they feel the wrath of the Pastor. This secrecy makes it easy for him to hide the fact that he is bed hopping with four or five single ladies, right under their respective noses.
  4. Elderly reformed players. These guys have played themselves so hard and so long, they’re worn out. Their old butts finally realized that the end may be near and playtime is over. Worried about dying alone, they bring their behinds back to church to find a “good Christian woman” for marriage. Essentially they are looking for a free nursemaid and bed warmer… someone to provide comfort and take care of their old broken down a$$@s before they die.

In spite of these facts, Black women go to church week after week, hearing over and over again the message that they should be seeking “a God-fearing man.” Sistahs in church are instructed by their Pastor that there should be no room in their lives for a man without faith in The Lord.

But with so few Black men attending church, and those that are in church being largely unsuitable as marital partners, what is it that single Black women are looking for in church?

Why do Black women run to church in droves and willingly put themselves in the position to be dictated to, harshly judged and instructed like a child on how to live their lives by some man that is not their father and to whom they are not married?

Cooper also includes a YouTube video from a pastor that she believes is contributing to this issue…

Hmmm….I get what this pastor says, but I cannot agree with his premise of being hidden…The very notion of hiding suggests that one does not want to be found…This pastor seems to be saying that unless you are at church or at home or doing something obviously religious, you are setting up yourself for failure in the dating game…

But on the other hand, I don’t think a woman should chase men either…I think there is a happy medium that can be achieved…What is wrong with dating Web sites like eHarmony or going out with your girlfriends to dance at a club? God has been known to work in mysterious ways and you may meet that man through the Internet or on Friday night instead of a Sunday morning…

But I submit this whole notion of being hidden is a fallacy being promoted throughout the church in general – not the white church, not the black church, not the Asian church, not the Hispanic church, etc…

In the book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” Dr. Henry Cloud, a white Christian psychologist, describes a similar scenario in which a woman, Lillie,  was waiting on God to bring her a man. When he asked her how it was going, Lillie confessed to him she had not been on a date in TWO years.  He felt compelled to help her at that point…

“Her lack of dates had to be a combination of her sitting back and waiting for the man of her dreams to come and find her and some personal dynamics interfering with her desire to be married. I could think of no other reason someone who actually wanted to have a man in her life would be that stuck.”

Within several months of counseling, the woman in Dr. Cloud’s book was in a significant relationship and eventually, some months later, she got married….And Lillie met her Christian husband through a dating website.

Below is another excerpt from Dr. Cloud’s book.

“Many people have been taught to view dating similarly to the way Lillie did: ‘God will bring the person to you. Just wait.’ And they think this approach is spiritual. But in reality, it negates the dual track of the Bible that teaches God will guide the way, but we have to actively walk in that way and fight the battles.”

Now on to Cooper’s belief that if one does meet a black man in church, he falls into one of the categories above…

Again, it’s not just black women that seem to be frustrated with men in church, white  Christian author and actress Susan E. Isaacs, describes her hilarious dating life in her book,  “Angry Conversations With God: A Snarky But Authentic Spiritual Memoir.”

“I also spent time with loads of Christian men who were funny, emotionally present, and not threatened by my intelligence. Men like Mark who were gay or trying not to be. The rest of the single men at my church were perpetually on the healing conference tour. And who has time to date when you’re at the healing conferences, getting healed? (Or taking notes about getting healed?)”

Hilarious huh? Yes, a good man is hard to find in church —and sometimes the church promotes ideologies that keep men of all races outstide of the church….

— but the real truth of the matter is a good man is hard to find anywhere…just ask your girl that is not a Christian…

Any thoughts?

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What’s on Your Summer Reading List 2010?

Hello World! 

Although summertime is the best time to hang out and have fun, it’s also the best time to relax with a good book…preferably on a white sand beach…fruity drink in hand…boo reclining next to you…

Since I’m an unabashed, lifelong bibliophile, let me share some of the books that I plan to peruse this summer…

1. “Have You Seen Her?” by Chicki Brown.  

 If she’d stayed any longer, her husband would have killed her.

 Frantic to escape his drug-induced brutality, socialite Marcia Hadley escapes Santa Barbara and flees to Atlantic City. She’s sold everything she owns, rents a seedy inner city apartment and attempts to disappear as Dani Reynolds, cocktail waitress at Frenzy, a neighborhood nightclub.

 Taylor Villanova, the club’s sexy multi-racial bouncer recognizes her naiveté and volunteers to teach her about surviving in the “hood.” Fearful and suspicious of men, Dani is at first repelled by his violent profession yet drawn to the compassionate nature that contradicts Taylor’s macho persona. But when her well-laid plans go awry, and Dani discovers someone is following her, she must put her complete trust in Taylor. Her time is running out.

I must confess Chicki Brown is one of my writer friends, and I am so proud of her! This e-book is available on Amazon, but you don’t have to buy a Kindle to read it. You can download the Kindle app for FREE for your PC or phone!

2. “A Woman’s Revenge” by Tiffany L. Warren, Sherri L. Lewis and Rhonda McKnight. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. “A Woman’s Revenge” contains the tales of revenge served up cold by three of your favorite Christian fiction authors. Will their desires for revenge take them too far?

I heard each of these authors read an excerpt of the book at the Faith & Fiction Retreat held in the A two weeks ago, and this book sounds like a perfect book to escape into on the beach…

3. “Bitch is the New Black: A Memoir” by Helena Andrews.

Political reporter Andrews assembles 16 autobiographical essays exploring her unconventional upbringing, academic and professional accomplishment and the challenges of being a successful, single black woman in Washington, D.C. The scathingly witty author examines a wide variety of topics that, beneath the jokes and sarcasm, address weighty issues (depression, aging, abortion) with wry astuteness. The “bitch” referred to in the title is an allusion to the tough veneer-perhaps subtly survivalist-that Andrews claims is necessary for a black woman who is often the only black woman in school or at work.

I first heard about this book at the “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” debate. Andrews was a featured audience member at the debate and was introduced to everyone. Apparently, Shonda Rhimes, executive producer of “Grey’s Anatomy,” has purchased the rights to the book and will produce a film based on it…Obviously I’m impressed. The title alone makes this book a must read…Read a good profile on Andrews here.

4.  “The Substance of Hope: Barack Obama and the Paradox of Progress” by William Jelani Cobb.

For acclaimed historian William Jelani Cobb, the historic election of Barack Obama to the presidency is not the most remarkable development of the 2008 election; even more so is the fact that Obama won some 90 percent of the black vote in the primaries across America despite the fact that the established black leadership since the civil rights era—men like Jesse Jackson, John Lewis, Andrew Young, who paved the way for his candidacy—all openly supported Hillary Clinton. Clearly a sea change has occurred among black voters, ironically pushing the architects of the civil rights movement toward the periphery at the moment when their political dreams were most fully realized.
How this has happened, and the powerful implications it holds for America’s politics and social landscape, is the focus of The Substance of Hope, a deeply insightful, paradigm-shifting examination of a new generation of voters that has not been shaped by the raw memory of Jim Crow and has a different range of imperatives.
Jelani Cobb is one of my Facebook friends, and his status updates are always thought provoking and often hilarious.
5. “Destined” by Patricia Haley.
Brother battles brother for ultimate control of their father’s multimillion-dollar ministry in the captivating second novel from #1 Essence bestselling author Patricia Haley’s provocative new series inspired by the biblical kings David and Solomon.

Don Mitchell thought he’d left DMI headquarters behind forever when he fled to South Africa after his dying father chose his younger, inexperienced half brother, Joel, to run the thriving family business. But after three years of self-imposed exile, he has returned to take over DMI at the gentle urging of beautiful Abigail, who was once his father’s assistant. His brother, Joel, plagued by a slew of illicit affairs and poor judgment, is plunging the business into ruin, and Don’s plans to secretly assume control of the ministry come into question when his estranged sister refuses to help him. Don must decide whether to face down his power-hungry brother to save the ministry his father worked so hard to build—and take a chance on an unrequited love he never dreamed Abigail would reciprocate—or return to South Africa to find refuge in his own thriving company and the budding romance he left behind. After much soul searching, Don comes to realize that his destiny is inescapable. Patricia Haley’s evocative modern-day interpretation of these popular biblical tales will keep readers riveted until the stunning conclusion.

“New York Times” best- selling author Kimberla Lawson Roby is Haley’s  first cousin and recommended the book!

6. “The Blueprint: A Plan for Living Above Life’s Storms” by Kirk Franklin.

Seven-time Grammy® Award-winning Kirk Franklin did not start out with a “blueprint” for his life. Before the age of four, he and his sister were abandoned by their parents. His sister became a crack addict, but Kirk always knew he had to find another way, even without a positive example to model himself after. Now Kirk provides an inspiring blend of faith and grit, serving up wisdom on provocative topics, including:
•The true definition of manhood
•Why faith that only takes place in a church is dead
•Sex and the responsibilities of parenthood
•What it means to be “Christian moderate with swag” in the 21st century
and more.
The Blueprint takes faith out of the pews and delivers it into the real lives of all who struggle.

I met Kirk Franklin several years ago in Nashville at a gospel music convention, and he was really a down-to-earth, nice man!

7. “Losing My Cool: How a Father’s Love and 15,000 Books Beat Hip-Hop Culture” by Thomas Chatterton Williams.

A pitch-perfect account of how hip-hop culture drew in the author and how his father drew him out again-with love, perseverance, and fifteen thousand books.

Williams is the first of his generation to measure the seductive power of hip-hop against its restrictive worldview, which ultimately leaves those who live it powerless. Losing My Cool portrays the allure and the danger of hip-hop culture like no book has before. Even more remarkably, Williams evokes the subtle salvation that literature offers and recounts with breathtaking clarity a burgeoning bond between father and son.

Most of the music that is being passed off as hip-hop today is really just the soundtrack for what appears to be a slow genocide of our young black men and women…Maybe I’m just getting old…At any rate, this book is so necessary…

So what are you reading this summer? Let me know because I can never read enough books…And hopefully one day, I will join the ranks as a published book author 🙂

Any thoughts?

Below is the trailer for Chicki Brown’s book. Check it out…

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The List…

Hello World,

Happy Hump Day! Yay!

So this weekend, I will be attending the Faith & Fiction Retreat right here in the A. As the name suggests, some of the top authors in Christian fiction will be there. The featured authors are Tiffany L. Warren, who is actually the organizer of the event; Kimberla Lawson Roby, a New York Times best-selling author; Victoria Christopher Murray and Sherri Lewis, an Essence Magazine best-selling author. While these are the featured authors, many other authors will serve as author panelists at the retreat. It will be fun I’m sure! And I don’t think it’s too late to attend! Check the Web site for more info…

So I have been asked to moderate a discussion on Sherri Lewis’ book “The List.” Below is a description of the book from her Web site.

Single and satisfied? Not Michelle, Angela and Lisa. These saved but sexy, successful black women think they’re getting too old to keep waiting on God to send their soulmates. Under the protective eye of their more spiritual sistergirlfriend, Vanessa, and the scrutiny of newly saved manhater, Nicole, the ladies go on a hilarious adventure to “be found” by their husbands.

Armed with their list of essential must-have’s, would-be-nice’s, icing-on-the-cake’s, and total-deal-breakers, they start their search – but soon encounter issues specific to the saved woman on the dating scene. Is online dating okay for Christians? How long do you wait before you tell the hottie you just met that you’re celibate and plan to stay so until married? He’s too fine to pass up – how saved does he really need to be? And of course, how do you keep things holy when he’s oh-so-sexy?

It’s not long before they realize they still have to trust God to know what’s best for them and that He loves them enough to send them everything on The List.

Perhaps it’s synchronicity at work that I was asked to moderate a discussion on this book…At the advice of a spiritual mentor, I came up with my own list back in 2003 (the actual list I wrote back then is included in this list)…With 51 qualities, it is a list to rival Chilli’s!!! I must say my list kept me on track back then when I wanted to date a man just based on how he looked and the chemistry we had although he lacked other redeeming qualities…yes, I have dated some crazy but fine dudes in my day….but since then, I have learned that it is quite unrealistic to expect a man to have everything you want…

And in my fact, I have pared down my list to “essential must-haves!” And I have allowed God to direct my thinking as well…My father told me that only God truly knows what you need, and you have to allow Him to lead you to that right person list or no list…

So what are the qualities that your ideal man must have? Did you make a list? Are you planning to make one? Did you get what you need and what you want? What are your “essential must-haves?”

Please share…

Any thoughts?

Chilli from TLC discussing her own infamous list on the VH1 reality show, “What Chilli Wants.”