Hello World!!!
Aside from reading Charlayne Hunter-Gault’s memoir, I also carved some time out of my vacation to finally read Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell. While I devoured the hit show when it was on HBO, and I now savor the reruns, I had never read the actual book that inspired the groundbreaking show before a few weeks ago.
In the Introduction, Bushnell said the book’s central theme is the answer to this question – Why Are We Still Single? This is her answer – “Now, with a few years’ perspective on this issue, I can safely conclude that we are single because we want to be.”
Wow! Since reading that statement, I have been digesting what that means to me and my other still single girlfriends. Just before I read the book, maybe a few days before even, the church pianist came up to me after church one Sunday and said something like, “When are you getting married? I’m trying to hold on so I can play at your wedding.” A guy who was nearby said, “I’ve asked her out, but she won’t go out with me.” The church pianist then said, “Oh, she’d be married by now if she wanted to be.” And my dear old Dad has pointed out to me recently that I have made ambivalent statements about being shackled..er…hitched.
So what am I saying? Gather any group of 30ish women for more than 20 minutes and the conversation will eventually shift toward a discussion about relationships. My girlfriends and I are no different. Since we crossed the 30-year-old threshold, we have discussed relationships with a urgency that wasn’t present a decade earlier. It’s not that we define ourselves singularly by our romantic relationships, but having a rich and rewarding partnership with a significant other is important. A 40ish, single friend of mine said a lot of it is biological; she has assured me that if I reach my 40s without being married, that desire will not be as strong. To that I say maybe so, but I’m not there yet.
But even as we desire to floss that rock, bag a husband and retire to the burbs, I wonder if some of us are really ambivalent about the whole thing. To that end, I have compiled a list of 10 actions that may prove that you are secretly ambivalent about the husband hunt. As they say, “actions do speak louder than words.” These are in no particular order. Also, I will not disclose the actions I have taken…hey you gotta keep something to yourself.
1. You live in the A. Some of my friends are seriously considering moving to another city because they believe that the wealth of women in the city prevent the menfolk from having class in dating in general or from having to make any real commitments. Asking a girl over to your home for a 1 a.m. drink is not anyone’s idea of a romantic first date. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there…
2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. If you met a dude in the club, it’s possible that you can get him to go to church with you. (Hey, I’ve been known to stumble in at daylight Sunday morning, nod off for a hours, and head back out to the mid-morning church service.) But if you make this a habit, this action says more about you than it does about the guy. Marinate on this for a minute…
3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. Hmm, I’ve come to believe that if someone tells who he is, you’d be smart to believe him.
4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. What’s up with that? Is it because there are no good guys around or are you somehow unavailable at a deeper level?
5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. The “thrill of the chase” really sucks…
6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to. “Something New” is a good movie about throwing your so-called requirements out the window and actually accepting what you need rather than what you think you want in a man.
7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Get a grip. Sometimes, YOU are the problem.
8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. I mean, chill.
9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. In my humble opinion, if you manage to be loving to all people whether it be the guy that keeps offering to wash your windshield at a downtown intersection to your backbiting co-worker, then I believe that you will attract love – romantic and otherwise.
10. You forget to pray. If you’re a Christian, this means that you have to have a dialogue with God about what His will is for your life. It may or may not include a husband. Them’s the breaks.
Hey, I’m no counselor or therapist, but I think I could be right here. What do you think?
Any thoughts?
P.S. This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. You rationalize that he will eventually get a house, a car and a clue…Hey at 25, this is fun…at 35, not so much…:)
P.P.S. Guys please comment!!!
I really must confess, before I met my husband, in the depths of my heart, I was ambivilent about marriage. I was happy single. I had a boyfriend who became my fiancee, but he eventually proved that he was not husband material, i.e., couldn’t be supportive during a crisis. I basically got engaged to him because I was newly saved, and the church atmosphere seems to emphasize marriage as a solution for all your woes. How can you not, when if your pastor is married, he raves about his beautiful wife? It makes you think, I’d like to have someone talk about me like that. And, yes, as a married woman it is nice, but it’s not everything. I have yet to meet a divorced person who said, Hallelujah! I’m divorced. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than suffer in a horrible marriage…I’ve seen too many. My unsolicited advice? Wait, wait and continue to wait for the man who makes you want to get married. Someone who (we don’t say this in church) you are PHYSICALLY attracted to, who makes your knees weak and your mouth water. Great sex is the cornerstone of a good marriage. Whoever started the rumor that men need sex more than women lied. Who loves his momma, cause if he don’t treat her right, you don’t have a chance. Sorry I ran on, y’all.
Like many, I am in my 30’s and single, never married. I have dated and been in relationships that never worked. In my 20’s it was okay to date the guy that didn’t quite have it together. Now that I am in my 30’s and still looking for love, it’s okay if the guy doesn’t have it all, but he still has to have something. The ability to read, a high school diploma, a car, a job and not be living with his mother are the simple things that I ask for. Most important he has to be a believer and he has to love and cherish me.
Being in a dating desert since my late 20’s I gave up on the idea of meeting my ideal mate. I always meet horrible men. They would come up to me and say things like, “Where is yo baby daddy” or just straight proposition me for sex. I have met some nice men that live in other states, but the distance is too far and they are not looking for enough of a commitment for me to just pack up and move.
One day I was watching Oprah and the topic of her show was the power of positive thinking. She had all of these people that always got what they wanted based on faith and positive thinking. I had spoken to one of my friends who say’s that she had found her mate. She said that she wrote on a sheet of paper the ideal man that she wanted and started to profess everyday to build her faith. She said that she had a few pretenders but after two or three tries he came. She loves him; they are happy and plan to marry next year.
Being armed with this information I said what the heck, I will try it. I wrote on the paper, kept a positive attitude, I prayed like no other and kept love on my mind constantly all day everyday and in every aspect of my life. Finally, I met someone. It took two tries but I have met someone that really likes me and is in hot pursuit of me. My god mother always told me that if a man wants you, he will pursue you and do whatever it takes to make you his. This is so true. One thing that I have noticed in my dating career is that you know when a man wants you and you know when he wants what he can get from you. We as women may try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise, but ultimately we know the truth. For example:
(1) I have been talking to a guy #1 over the phone for a year. He lives in Chicago. I have tried to get an understanding from him in reference to his feelings about me but have failed. He makes gestures like he cares to keep me on a rope but nothing concrete. He also makes sexual gestures. Not to mention, when he comes to Georgia, I don’t see him. I may talk to him, but no time is spent together face to face;
(2) I met guy #2 and have been talking to him a little longer than guy #1. Number 2 and I have gone on 1 date (we had lunch). He claims that he is so busy and cannot find the time to spend with me, but when he does find the time he always asks if he can come over to my house;
(3) Guy #3 claims that he loves me yet he married another woman (so she can stay in the country) being fully conscious of my disapproval. Not to mention, he dates women all day and night long. One of my good friends says that the amount of half naked women in his phone is insane;
(4) Guy #4 wants to date me only because of the way I look. Never mind the fact that we just are not compatible and that I don’t like him;
(5) Guy #5 claims that he loves me yet I can never come over to his house because his ex-wife lives with him and his son; and last but not least,
(6) Guy #6 just does not see me getting married any time soon. We have been friends and I have had a crush on him for almost 20 years.
And then there is Guy #7…
He calls me and we talk on the phone for hours. He always tries to believe the best in each situation and with each individual. We don’t talk about sex but real current life and world issues. He takes me out to places I want to go and does not try to feel me up. He is patient and is not trying to rush me into sex and reminds me constantly that it is not my body that he wants but my mind and heart. Not to mention, he has been over my house and stayed the night (He slept on the sofa). He sends me sweet little text messages to ask me about my day. He even cut his hair because I told him that I wished that I could see his face. He listens and acts on what I have told him. He is a gentleman and a man of God.
He likes aggressive women, yet I have not been the aggressor in this dating relationship, he has. He totally put himself out there and is wearing his heart on his sleeve for me. I could walk away any day, but that is a risk that he is willing to take. He is not perfect and does not have it all together, but has enough to work with and meets most of my criteria. Most important, he really likes me and I can see it in him.
By me meeting such horrible men, I never thought that what my god mother, friend and Oprah told me was true. Now by the grace of God, I am blessed to witness this reality and I pray that it works out.
Sorry so long but I had to get it all out.
@TT Whew! that was a lot, but you’re going to have to e-mail me exactly what you put on that paper! That’s great!
And I am really happy for you! You’ve been so sweet ever since I met you in high school.
By the way, I love comments! I want a dialogue not a monologue!
@Damola, I will keep your words of wisdom in mind as well!
I have so much to say!! Whooo!!!
I have recently made the decision to be single and by myself. After years of dating and relationships that don’t last, I have become tired of the process of meeting men. Now, I haven’t told my father, because if he knew he would take me to his church, lay me on the Altar and rebuke the devil outta me so he could have some grandbabies. But the dating process has worn me out and it’s time for just me to be with me.
1. You live in the A.- I am from the A, but have lived in 2 other cities, New Orleans and Washington D.C. Plus I have had this conversation ad nauseum with friends of mine in different cities: All around the world the same song!! Black women in every city are having problems, not just in the A, even though I think in the A that good, loving, commitment-minded black men are far and few between!!
2. You date bad boys and try to make them into church-going deacons. – Yes, I have done this on many occasions and haved come to realize that this is not the best move if I want to be married, so I have made a concious decision to not try this anymore. though I do still like to look at them!
3. You date self-professed, commitment-phobes. – Trust and BELIEVE that when a man tells you he does not want a commitment he is being straight up. I admit that I am a nurturer and thought that I could “change” a man, but I have grown to learn that I can’t change a man and I take men at their word now.
4. You constantly date guys that live out of state. – Been there and done that!! I don’t want to do it again, it’s lonelier to be in a relationship with someone who lives out of state than being by yourself. Why be with someone that you can’t even see or spend time with on a regular basis? This is the road to nowhere!!
5. You run from guys that like you, but chase after the ones that don’t want to be caught. – The guys that really like me never have it together, so I guess I don’t really have it together also huh?? They are not someone I feel I can depend on or they are not attractive. Hmmm…
6. You have a long list of requirements that no one, save Barack Obama (hey Michelle already got that on lock), can measure up to.-
I put what I wanted on paper and turned that over to the Lord!!!
7. You blame your dating history on your dating partners rather than occasionally looking at your side of the street. – I get that and have really tried to look at myself and to do things differently. However, although I’m not getting the same results, the pool of potential men has gotten smaller.
8. You’re desperate. Yeah, I want to get married some day, but I enjoy my own company. – I’m not desperate, I truly enjoy my own company, but I think that the more I enjoy my own company, the less tolerant I have become of men and my nerves have gotten shorter!! LOL
9. You’re mean. I really think that like attracts like. -I am mean. I know it, but I really have been praying and asking God to soften my heart. I’m much more patient with people and not so critical as I once was.
10. You forget to pray. – Nah, I always pray!!!
P.S. This is 10.5. You date a guy simply because he looks like Tupac. – Nah, not Tupac, more like T.I.!! Yes, Lawd I am guilty!!But I have seen the light and that’s not a priority of mine anymore. What looks good to you is not always good for you!!
I know this is a lot Jackie, my bad!!
@Sylvia,
Thanks for your comment! And I appreciate that you gave an indepth comment! Girl, don’t give up! It may be good to take a break for a while though. I don’t like giving advice, but in my experience, my “man fasts” really help me when I get tired of the whole thing. Have you read my post about “man fasts?” I included the experience of another woman who took a “man fast,” she ended up getting married! Just my two cents…
I really like this post, I thought it was excellent and true. Yes I have dated the commitment phobia bad boys as well as been desperate and avoided the whole commitment thing. good read.
Also, there are a lot of men that I just don’t find that interesting and couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life listening to. They don’t seem to have any passion in life other than sitting in front of a remote or sex as a pastime. thanks.
While I would love to engage in connversation about this disgusting show series and concept with your readers I won’t. I will however say that I hope as a Christian woman loving singleness it does not place you or those single women professing Christianity to celebrate that singleness in the manner that these women (on the show) do.
BC, I would have gone there with them but would have never even considered marrying them. I would have helped them celebrate all the singleness they wanted.
AD, I pray for women like that.
P.S. I do believe that the church places undue pressure on women to be married, which is not a good thing. And for the record while I hate the show and what it represents, I did enjoy your piece and your 10.5 points. Continue to peel back humanity’s onion.
Thanks for a guy’s perspective cbb!
Deep. Listening to the woman’s perspective on men is really, really deep. This post will probably be all over the place because I’m going to just let it flow as opposed to sitting down and properly structuring my thoughts. For that I apologize. A volume of books couldn’t completely cover this blog. I am going to try to stay focused though.
As a single guy in his late 30s, I often sympathize with women seeking men. The more I hear, the more I realize women just don’t get… for the most part. If I were a woman, and thank GOD I’m not (no disrespect ladies), very few men would have a chance. Because this is how a man thinks. Generally speaking, men go around taking advantage of all kind of women for the ultimate prize. But rarely do you see men falling for the things women do. Because when it comes to our hearts, she really has to come with some substance. That big butt and smile is just that. Again, generally speaking, there are no emotions being used on the approach, the attack, nor the conquer of a killer body. But GENERALLY, women don’t react the same because of their emotions. Someone above mentioned that Atlanta is like a playground for black men, which is true if a man never wants to be married, could care less about a true companion, is still chasing the cat, and/or is simply immature. But here’s the mature male’s perspective on that part of Atlanta.
It is suppose to be 10, and I’ve even heard the number being high as 20 to 1 female to male ratio in Atlanta. For this entry, we’ll just say 15 of the most beautiful and finest sisters in the country, to every 1 male. Well, 12 of them are no good. Everything that glitters is not gold. Just like women feel the problem with men is jail, homosexuality, and they are only out for 1 thing. Twelve of those women are homosexual, loose (keeping it clean), trying to date the same 7 or 8 guys (ballers), couldn’t nourish a family if they tried, and the one I’m personally fed up with, have a serious attitude. So in essence, the ratio in Atl is really 3:1. The rest are playthings for the players and immature males. Yes ladies, sisters are playing the field too. Without getting too far of the subject, and overlooking the whole jail and homosexual debate, the 17% of women HIV positive in Fulton county is pathetic (got the from the AJC a few months ago). That stat alone should wake up the women naive about their men (jail, down low, etc.), and cause every man to come to a screeching stop and pay attention to what he’s getting into. But they’re not. That’s just one example of so many problems going on with men and women in Atl. I can only imagine the wrath I will get from this paragraph alone, but it would probably help prove my attitude point. This is just 1 male’s opinion and respectful post on a blog ladies. I mean no disrespect. Besides, I don’t have enough energy to get into the men with all the dumb stuff they do. Let me focus again.
No I am not gay because I won’t sleep with you on the first few dates. No, I do not have any problems performing. No, it’s not that you’re unattractive because the truth is, I wouldn’t have spoke to you in the first place if I felt that way. Maybe I’m trying to keep the easy part out of the equation for as long as I can. Because contrary to popular belief, if you’re dealing with a mature man, what is in your heart, mind and soul is a thousand times more important than anything, including what you have between… Not to down play that because I have thought about it, but again ladies, that is the easy part of 2 people getting together. As a woman, this is how I would think. Except for the sleeping with a man part. That would be on lock because that one simple act, clouds a female’s judgment beyond recognition. This is why the thug gets play. This is why you work while he sits at home and plays Playstation all day. This is why you accept that he has no ambition in life, you move him in your house, he drives your car and you support and provide for him. Speechless. The list goes on and on.
Sorry Ms. Holness. This part was cut-off the previous post
There is so much I want to say, but time and my patience for typing are not long enough for me to get into every single issue. Takes volumes remember? Not to mention I realize there is a flip side to this coin which I truly understand. But the attitudes and pressuring men to get married is not going to get you very far. Oh, and sleeping with a guy is not going to change his mind either. I threw that in for the younger ladies. I’ll be the first to admit the finer a woman was, the more tolerant I was of things I didn’t like, such as attitudes, but my tank is finally empty. Sorry, getting side tracked again.
The 3 women allotted for me were all very good females. But 1 had an attitude that would sneak up from time to time, another’s clock was ticking so fast that I needed to stop wasting her time if I didn’t marry her within a few months (I appreciated the warning), and I simply didn’t mesh with the last. I could be wrong, but the last one I tend to think is singing the same old song about men this, and men that, but the truth is I never did anything to her, and I always treated her like a lady. But because I wasn’t willing to take the relationship further, due to some traits I just could not live with, I think I’ve been put into a negative category. This is getting too long. Ladies, I’m not saying any of you that replied above are not responsible. But if possible, take responsibility for your choices and be more logical and not emotional about who you let in your life. That’s what men do.
I actually wrote a letter to God and told Him what I wanted in a man. David fit the bill almost 100% and I knew that he was prepared just for me. Is it a perfect marriage? Well that sure would be boring, wouldn’t it? We have our bumps in the road but all in all, it’s a blessed, Christian union – he is the head and I am the heart. It works out well.
I did spend several years single after my divorce. I wanted to grow as a person and work on me – so that I could be Mrs. Right, instead of looking for Mr. Right! I bring a lot of grace and quality to the relationship, and am not a sucking vortex, which aptly describes me in previous relationships. Today I coach couples who really want a spiritual relationship with not only their marriage but their relationship with Christ.